Where Am I Now?

(Be sure to read all the way through)

There are moments where I feel like I’m doing better. However, those moments are so very fleeting, that I never fully embrace it. I take a step forward, and then it always seems that I take three steps back.
During these times, I’m reminded of a song I sang in Choir a few years back. It reads,

“Lost in the dark, frightened and cold. Captured by fear, bound by despair; crying for One to hear my prayer. Search me and find me, lost and alone. Search me and find me, carry me safely home.”

Those are my feelings. I feel so frightened, cold, lost, and alone. The difference between me and the hope that is found in this song?  I don’t feel like I am being carried and I definitely don’t feel safe.

I have no desire to do or be anything. I don’t want to wake up in the morning. I don’t want to go to work. I don’t want to teach. I don’t want to be an encourager for my students. I don’t want to go to class for my Masters. I don’t want to go home, and then be a terrible wife. I don’t want to be married. I don’t want to go to church. I don’t want to pray. I don’t want do anything, even the things I love. And I don’t want to try anymore. I don’t want to be here. I’m just done, and am sooo tired.

I don’t feel loved or wanted. I don’t feel like I’m making a difference. I don’t feel like I mean anything to anyone. I don’t feel happiness, nor even simple contentment.

So you may ask, why haven’t I just given up entirely? Truth be told? I’m terrified of and uncomfortable with guns. So that’s not an option, and it’s really the only feasible option. Trust me, I’ve researched. Which I honestly and truly hate to admit. I HATE that I feel this way. And I hate that I can’t just tell myself to be better, to do better. 

I wrote the above just over 18mts ago. I never posted it because I was afraid. I was afraid of letting out my raw feelings and for people to think that I’m overreacting and/or fabricating my feelings. But the truth is, I wasn’t. Those were, and sometimes still are, honest to goodness my real thoughts and feelings. However, there’s a difference between the Jessica from 18mts ago and the Jessica writing this now...

Back in March 2020, I began a new form of treatment for patients with depression and anxiety that have been resistant to traditional methods. This treatment involves being injected with ketamine (I did four different methods—IV, nasal spray, gummy, and an injection).  

Going into this treatment, I was incredibly skeptical. I didn’t want to have high hopes and then be let down when it didn’t work out. When I started the series of infusions, it was also when quarantine hit. I was out of work and not living with the stressors of my day to day life. So when I noticed that life was a little better, I chalked it up to “the new normal”. But in reality, it wasn’t because stressors went down. I was actually experiencing a new normal mentally and was doing better. 

Ketamine became expensive and it wasn’t sustainable long term (I had to go in weekly or biweekly and be in the office monitored for 2hrs). I also wasn’t the biggest fan of being under a hallucinogen. This is due to one main reason: my fear of lack of control. My doctor diagnosed me with OCPD (Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder, basically OCD related to personality, perfectionism, and control). Anyways, the ketamine sometimes gave me anxiety in the midst of it. It also is a lifelong treatment, meaning I’d need boosters every now and then. 

Fast forward to March 2021. I switched from Ketamine to TMS (trans-cranial magnetic stimulation). Think of this like an MRI scan on your brain, but instead of just taking pictures, it stimulates the nerves that are associated with depression. I thought, why not? Let’s try it out. So, I did. This consisted of me going in office EVERY DAY for SIX weeks for a 30min session.  I had no idea if TMS would work on me. I went into it thinking it wouldn’t work but might as well know for sure. 

I did it. Six weeks pass. I started seeing effects about three weeks in. My life wasn’t in the dark. I felt lighter. I could FEEL. I could LIVE. There still was a cloud over me, but instead of it being black and dreary, it was just gray. To this day, my life is still changed. Yes, I still struggle with depression. Yes, I contemplate if my life is worth living. Yes, I still have anxiety. Yes, I still have OCPD. Yes, I have an eating disorder. But you know what? I’m living and I’m feeling. That’s more than I could say 18mts ago. And so, my friends, there is hope. Though it’s hard to see and sometimes very small, there is hope. But I promise you that peace will find you, in some way. There are options. Battles that you have been fighting for years, just as I have, can become less daunting. And just as was promised in the song at the beginning, you will be carried safely home. 

I guess I’m writing this to say two things. 1) I struggled, and I still do. Every. Single. Day. I understand your pain, hurt, anger, sadness, emptiness, and depression. I am here for you, and I am here with you. And 2) Talk to your doctor about your options. There is hope. There are methods and treatments that you may have not even thought about. Maybe even mention ketamine and/or TMS. It has been a legitimate game changer. I hope and pray that you will find your game changer.

That’s all. Sending love,

Jess <3

Depression in its Raw Form

You know, everyone always thinks that newlyweds are always so happy. But I think we all need to face the facts-- Life still sucks. Just because I got married, my life isn't miraculously better. In truth, it's probably worse because now I have this human always around me thinking that I'm great when in reality, I feel like trash.

Many times, I have feelings of worthlessness and thoughts that I don't want to go on anymore. And right now is one of those times. I don't understand why I have to try so much harder than others to just feel contentment. I've come to accept that I probably won't reach pure happiness in this life, and I'm okay with that. All I really want is to feel like I've made a difference and that my actions are worth something.

Regardless of what I do, I still feel like nothing, and feel nothing. I can give my all at work to my 8th graders, and feel like it's not enough. The whole reason I went into teaching is because when I was in 2nd grade, I had a teacher who made me feel like I mattered. He made me feel like I could be whatever I wanted. Because of that, I wanted to do the same for others. So, I went into teaching to influence and show a caring hand to kids that need it. But, I feel like it's in vain. I don't feel like I'm making a difference. I don't feel like my kids care about how much I care about them. I don't even love my job anymore because all I get is disrespect all. day. long.

I try to be a good person, but I don't feel good. People don't notice the good I do; they just dwell on the negative. Guess what, y'all?! I'm human, too. Therefore, I'm totally imperfect. In fact, I'm pretty dang broken, in case you haven't noticed. But because of my imperfections, people always leave and I'm left wondering what I did wrong. Nothing is enough. Is it even worth it?

Why do I even try? Why do I care so much? It doesn't matter what I do. I still will be friendless, pushed aside, alone, hating myself, and not good enough.

I'm not writing this to receive your "sympathy love". I'm writing this to let you know my raw feelings. Life sucks, and no amount of hugs, sweet treats, or prayers is going to change that. I'm surrounded by cheerful, happy, wonderful people, and all I can think is "get me out of the Hell". And that's the truth. I could try to put a positive spin on this, but honestly... most of the time, I feel ZERO positivity and no hope for a better life. So why should I fake it? But that's life, even though I think things would be better for everyone involved if I just wasn't here, I still have to just push through it.

So here I am. Real, emotional, raw feelings and all. But you know what you're gonna see the next time we're together? You'll see me smiling and being involved. Little do you know what is really going on in my head. In case you were curious, it's not pleasant; my head is full of negativity, darkness, loneliness, anxiety, fear, and worthlessness.

Strength of the Depressed

Life is hard. Everybody feels this way. That doesn't make it any easier, though. Today, as I was listening to a particular broadcast, I was reminded that having the courage to share my story will strengthen not only me, but those who are led to it. I've been considering doing this for a while now, so here goes nothing...

Growing up, my life was pretty easy. I was capable, accepted, talented, loved, and happy. At age 21, with no warning signs, my life was turned upside down.
I no longer felt capable; I didn't have the ability, fitness, or qualities necessary to achieve anything.
I no longer felt accepted; I was an outcast feeling like no one wanted me.
I no longer felt talented; I hid and didn't do the things I loved anymore.
I no longer felt loved; I felt worthless and a burden to others.
I no longer felt happy; I was deemed clinically depressed, and felt no goodness.

"Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest... It affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and sometimes you may feel as if life isn't worth living" (Mayo Clinic).

I understood what depression was. I grew up with a depressed father. I studied and graduated with a degree in Psychology. I wanted to be a therapist. But I was no where near ready to be depressed myself. I wasn't ready for the thoughts and lack of feeling that was about to become my day-to-day life.

I suffered, cried, screamed, stayed in bed till 2pm, embraced seclusion, cursed God, broke friendships, lacked motivation, brought pain upon myself, and didn't care if I lived or died. Once a strong extroverted happy-go-lucky girl, I now felt like a weak introverted depressed woman.

Three and a half years later, many different therapists, and prescriptions of various anti-depressants, I can't say I've felt much change. I still feel like I'm in a black abyss. I still lack motivation to do anything. I still don't understand why I have to go through this. But I know that I must. I have walked through fire and am coming out stronger. Maybe not right now, but I know that I will, in a long while most likely, but it will come.

Being married, I recognize that my depression is no longer my own. In order to be happy in my marriage, I need to let my husband in. I need to share my thoughts, feelings, worries, fears, and darkness with him. This has been scary. It's caused a lot stress and anger in our marriage due to lack of communication. Even still, it's necessary and I'm seeing why; he loves me, and because he loves me, he wants to know my thoughts/feelings.

I often think it's pointless to discuss such things with my husband, or any one for that matter, because they just don't get it. They don't understand. They haven't experienced it. I feel like if I let others know, they would just tell me to "suck it up and change your thoughts". But, news flash! It's really not that easy. Heck, it's not easy at all. It's like telling someone who is paralyzed to get up and walk. Can they? No, definitely not. It's the same with depression. You can't just tell us to stop being depressed and to be happy instead. Because believe me, I've tried. So instead, I’ve put on the facade that everything is okay.   

In spite of all this, the only way we (and when I say "we", I mean the community of individuals with depression) can help others understand is if we try to help them to understand. This means opening up. This means not hiding behind our depression. This means not being afraid to let others know. This means seeing a therapist, and doing so not in secret. This means getting the help that is needed. This means discussing our feelings with someone safe. It's the only way we can help others understand and it's the only way we can get the help that we need.

I've gained so much strength throughout the years as I've shared my experiences with like-minded individuals that may be struggling as well. I've also gained insight from non-depressed folk. I guess what I'm trying to get at is that strength comes from sharing. So don't be afraid. The depression may never leave, but it will become manageable.

I know that this is my weight to carry throughout my life, and I know that the Lord would never give me anything that I couldn't overcome. So I am still pushing. I am still holding strong. I am resilient. And I will not give in. And neither should you.

Start of Something New

You caught me. I completely and totally titled this post after the song from High School Musical. I've had the idea of this blog post since before I left for China. And now it's finally here. Yes, I've 100% postponed writing about it, because then I'm allowing it to sink in and become more real. But, I guess I have to accept it sooner or later, and so here I am, at the end of an era. 

If I'm being totally and completely honest, I had a slight fear of concluding my China adventures. Those who know me well (which I'm coming to realize isn't too many people) are quite aware of how I get anxious about the future and love to always have a plan. Everything I do now is in direct correlation to what I want in the long run. I greatly have a future-oriented view on life. And so, ever since leaving for China, I knew that myself and my future were about to change and be something I hadn't experienced before. My time in China changed me. I had the wonderful chance to become more independent. I learned more about myself and my priorities, as well as those things which are most important to me in this life. It was definitely a rewarding experience. 

 So where does this idea of it being "the end of an era" fit in, you may ask. Well, let me tell you. Before this summer, I was still very much not completely independent. I had an hourly-paid job, which also didn't always guarantee working days. I was living paycheck to paycheck. I was still relying on my parents a lot. I didn't feel quite fully in charge of my life. I didn't feel like I was my own person. I still felt like the little girl looking to her Mommy and Daddy for guidance in most things. Within a week of ending my China adventures, all of that changed. I was embracing a new life. This new life being that of adulthood. I was coming home to a real salary-paying career (that I absolutely LOVE, by the way). Therefore, I have to learn all about the benefits which are provided. I never paid any attention to things financially or insurance related before. I was being thrown into a whole new world. A world where I no longer could act like a child, and where I now must throw away childish things. The real question is though... Is it the end of an era, or really the beginning of a new time? It's really how we look at it that affects our attitude about our experiences. 

Being placed in the unknown has often terrified me. I've always feared change and feared what I have yet to understand. It's been truly debilitating, at times. But I have made a resolve that I will no longer be that person. I will no longer let my fear stand in the way of me becoming the daughter that my Heavenly Father knows me to be. And so, I am becoming a new woman in Christ. Yes, I am still experiencing new things each day. Yes, sometimes I do get nervous about these changes. But I know that if I want to grow (mentally, emotionally, and most importantly, spiritually), then I have to embrace this life. 

Now, returning back to my futuristic view... Sometimes, it has been a good thing, because my detailed view of what the future might hold pushes me forward, into tomorrow. However, because of this, I struggle to truly live and experience life in the present, in the here and now. I have a perfect example of this. Upon my first weeks living in Utah, a friend had said to me, after I refused to go out that night because I was tired and had work the next morning, "Jess, don't forget to live while you're here making a living". I don't think he realizes how much that impacted me, and how much it still does even to this day. It's taken quite some time, but I finally am feeling like myself again. I am comfortable in my own skin and I am enjoying life. Many don't know the things that I have gone through in the past few years that have changed me and given me this distorted outlook and overall fear of the world. I have been fighting depression and anxiety every day. I've allowed my anxiety to overcome me and keep me from reaching my potential. But, I am bringing myself back. I'm returning to the things that I love to do. I'm drawing, reading, running, experiencing the outdoors, teaching, going to institute, serving, loving, singing, working, socializing, and learning. I still have a long ways to go, but I know that the Lord is with me every step of the way. He loves me and leads me and lives for me. Because of that, I must live for Him. 

China in the Ancient Times

So, I know that I kind of left my last post with a bit of a cliffhanger. Let me reassure y'all right now that all things went well after I got to the Sheraton. I was able to stay there both nights and I was safe throughout my remaining time. 

Again, I was really bummed that I wasn't able to see much of the city since I spent the whole day out walking looking for a place to stay. The next morning, I woke up bright and early. I had to meet up with my small group for our tours that we had planned for the day. Our adventure began at The Forbidden City. This is the largest city center in the whole world. The reason it is termed "forbidden" is because in ancient times, only the emperor was permitted to access all of the rooms (all 9,999.5 of them). Our tour consisted of walking from courtyard to courtyard while passing through different gates. We didn't have access to many of the rooms, basically just walking through the gates with the rooms on either side. We were able to peer into the emperor's bedroom, which was neat. There was some interesting architecture on these building, all symbolizing something from superiority to safety to good will. Seeing such extravagant designs was really something. It was nice to learn some of the history about this ancient city, but I was mostly looking forward to checking out The Great Wall. Our guide told us that around 80,000 people come to visit The Forbidden City each day. You better believe it was crowded!

After walking through the City, we took a 2hr drive, where I was grateful for sleep. Upon arriving to Mutianyu (the part of The Great Wall which we were to begin our climb), we took a chairlift up the first part. It was kinda cool to ride a chairlift in the middle of the summer in some random place in China. The first parts of the Wall where we were located did not have the ability for us to walk up. Hence, the need for a chairlift (there was also the option of taking a cable car). We could look all around us and see The Great Wall expanded in every view. It was quite a site! 

The Great Wall was nothing that I expected! It was actually two walls on either side with stair steeps in between them. Once we got off the chairlift, we had the choice to continue hiking up the Wall or staying down. Of course, I continued, with two other ladies from my group. It was magnificent! The jungle around us was green and luscious. The reason we were permitted to hike on this portion of the Wall was because it has been reconstructed for tourist purposes. I got to the end point where we weren't allowed to continue anymore because it was overgrown and worn down. Basically, they blocked it off with a cemented wall so that we couldn't keep going. The purpose was so that we don't add to its already decaying factor.

To get back down, we sat on this booster thing and took a ride down a massive slide. It was way fun! We grabbed some food and a few souvenirs and then took our drive back to our hotels. That night, I went into town for a short minute to check out the street market. Many tried to weasel me out of my money, but I was strong this time and kept walking. The next morning, I had to wake up early for the train ride back to Zibo.

My trip in Beijing was many things ... scary, lonely, intense, thrilling, exciting, eye-opening, and marvelous. Even though my first day wasn't all that great, I am glad that I had this chance to tour The Forbidden City and The Great Wall. It's definitely a once in a lifetime opportunity. It made the struggles all worth it, in the end! I was blessed with safety and protection, for which I am grateful.

A Series of Unfortunate Events

If you ever think to yourself, “hey, I think it’ll be rad to travel to this random city on my own where no one speaks English and try to figure things out without having any service/wifi on your phone”, you should probably rethink your plans…. Let’s just start from the very beginning.

In order to get to Beijing, I had to buy a train ticket from the station in Zibo. Initially, it looks like I could just send in an email and get it, but that didn’t seem to work out. So, I took the long and hot walk over to the train station and stood in line. Little did I think about how I was going to convey which ticket on which day and what time I wanted. Let’s just say, I very much did not look through a lot of obstacles. Anyways, so I’m at the train station and PRAISE, there’s a Chinese guy that speaks PERFECT English. I seriously could not have been any more fortunate. I told him want I wanted, but within the time I looked up the ticket and when I bought it, the one I wanted was sold out. Therefore, I was left with the cheap train ride leaving at 5am that lasted 8hrs instead of 2hrs, but hey, I got to Beijing eventually. The whole time though, I was nervous about possibly missing my stop. Luckily, I got off at the right place, after sitting for an entire 8hrs either sleeping, or doing word/number problems.

My troubles began right from the start. Getting off the train, I had absolutely no idea how to leave the train station. It was outdoors and encompassing a huge part of the town. I didn’t know where the station ended and the city started. After walking for a bit, I jumped in a cab (who overcharged me by wayyyy too much). I had the address written out in Chinese and showed it to him. However, he still somehow took me to the wrong street. I got out regardless because it would’ve been too difficult to somehow convey to him that it wasn’t right. So after that overpriced cab ride, I then went walking and walking. I was advised on which bus to take so I hopped on. Turns out, it took me way out of the way. I stayed on it for a minute trying to figure out my best route. The money collector lady on the bus told me which buses I needed to take, and they were like … long-time buses. I was confused about that. I got off, and went walking again.

Yes, this whole time, I have my purse, my overstuffed backpack, and my Pooh Bear pillow pet. Because I was in a different province, my SIM card that First Leap gave me wasn’t working. So I didn’t have operating phone service. Fast forward to three miles of walking later… The Super 8 hotel which I booked (and already paid for) wasn’t in the location that it said it was in. I went back and forth along the street trying to find it and was unable to. I asked different officials on the roads trying to figure it out. We then realized that it was actually more than an hour drive away. So, the website was wrong.

I continued to walk around aimlessly trying to find somewhere to stay. I found a different Super 8 and was trying to see if I could transfer my reservation to there. My phone was at 5% and I still didn’t have a plan. Luckily, they had wifi and I was able to connect and contact my parents back home. They then called to see if this Super 8 had any openings. They were all booked. They found a different Super 8 that was 4 miles away and booked me a room. I had one of the workers write the hotel down in Chinese so I could hand it to my driver. Finally, I had a plan! Or so I thought….

I made it to the new Super 8. They didn’t have my reservation. They couldn’t find it. Neither could I speak Chinese nor them English. After over an hour of trying to figure out where my reservation was (with my dad on the phone with the Super 8 supervisor), we discovered that they couldn’t find it because they refuse to service foreigners. Yea, you read that right. Straight of refuse. Because they don’t accept foreigners, they weren’t able to accept my reservation, even though I got an email saying that it was confirmed. Racist humans.

Because of this whole misunderstanding, Super 8 said to just find any random hotel for the night and they would reimburse us. Alright, sweet deal, right? Wrong. Now the problem was finding a hotel that wasn’t entirely booked and that would accept me as a foreigner. I walked around trying every hotel I could see (and believe me, there were a lot). None of them were available. After loads of trekking throughout town (still with the massive backpack), I finally found a Sheraton hotel that would accept me. Had I had to pay for it by myself, the price was WAYYYY out of the question. But since Super 8 was paying (because they messed up), why not take it?

All of the workers at the Sheraton were able to speak English. I was granted my own double twin room with a stellar bathroom, shower, and tub. The first thing I did when I arrived was went straight to the shower. They even provided every toiletry needed, as well as a verrrry comfortable bathrobe.

After arriving to Beijing at 2:30, I finally was able to rest in my very comfortable Sheraton bed at 11pm. This definitely was not how I was planning to “take in the city” on my first day here. Fortunately, my tour the next day was scheduled and looked like it would all go perfectly well! (Next post will be about The Great Wall and The Forbidden City). Yes, I know this was a long post, but it was an incredibly long day of unfortunate events. Moral of the story: Don’t book the cheapest hotel, always have an extra phone battery, appreciate your parents, and don’t go alone to an unknown place with an unknown language and no map. 

Escape to the Oceanside

Alright, well, I lied. I said I was only going to have one more post of my experiences in China. But, there's absolutely NO WAY that is going to happen. Y'all who know me know that I often have a lot to say. Since I'll be traveling to three places, I have three adventure stories to share, which means three more blogs! 

I have never realized how much I've missed the blue skies until I finally went without it. Even living in the Seattle area my whole life, I saw more of the sun and sky there than I do here in Zibo. I was grateful for the chance to head east over to Qingdao, which is on the ocean (technically, it's the China East Sea). 

It was about a 3hr drive to the beach. Naturally, I slept most of the way because 1) it was not a short car ride... and 2) I was in a car with Chinese speakers, of which I couldn't really communicate nor understand the conversations that were happening. I figured sleep was the best alternative. Anyways, once we finally got to Qingdao, we headed straight to the beach. Unfortunately, it was raining hard and the sun wasn't shining. However, it was still quite warm outside and the beach was still crowded with people. So, we figured, why not? Off we went into the sea with the pouring down rain. I think eventually it let up, but I didn't even notice. It was such a fun time. 

Coco had only ever been to the water one time, and it was years ago. She doesn't know how to swim and she was slightly (okay, incredibly) scared to get passed her knees in the water. In time, I encouraged her to get out more, but what really did the trick was that her husband bought us a couple of tubes to float in. With that, we headed into the deep and let the waves crash down on us. She was like a little kid on Christmas morning. I really enjoyed my time mainly because she was having such a blast. After a bit, I taught her how to float. It took some time, but soon she was able to float on her back all on her own. It made the idea how being in the water less scary knowing that she could float. 

That night, we got together with the rest of Coco's family and had dinner together. Sooooo much food! I tried something. It was nasty. But I tried it. And I'm proud of myself. So, first of all, I'm definitely not a seafood eater and I know nothing about it. But you know how you eat clams? Apparently, people eat mussels, too. Coco gave it to me, and I ate it. Yea, definitely NOT a fan. Never again. But hey, I tried it. Success.

The next day, we spent the entire morning and afternoon at the Polar Ocean World. It truly was incredible. We saw penguins, polar bears, and dolphins... Oh my! I had never seen a polar bear before. It was cute; it was swimming back and forth up against the glass that we were looking through. The weather was insanely hot today. The sun was out and we were baking. We wished that the two days were switched (hot on the beach day and rainy on the park day). But it was still fun, even though we were outside in the hot hot sun hours on end.

Which leads into... We went to animal shows! We saw the dolphins perform and they were the cutest thing! Anyone who knows me knows that my greatest wish is to swim with dolphins; I was loving every second of it. They were jumping and flipping and hula hooping, and it was amazing. There was also a beluga whale that performed. He was a smart one. Then we went to see the sea lions, who were just hilarious. They really do do the clapping of their fins and laughing sound. They were bouncing around and catching hoops. Lastly, the walrus came out and was just a lazy bum. All of the shows were in Chinese and so I didn't fully understand what was happening, but from how the walrus was responding,  I knew it was something funny. 

After the park, we drove back to Zibo. Remember how it was only 3hrs getting to Qingdao? It tooks nearly 7hrs to get back home. It was a LONG drive. I slept for most of it (of course). It was definitely a fun trip to Qingdao!