Abide With Me

Oh man… This week has been crazy. I had six pages of summaries due and had to read seven chapters. And, I also had to come up with my Psychology Senior Research Project topic, and I did! Guess what it is?! I’m assuming you tried guessing, and you were probably wrong, so I’ll just tell you… Drum roll please…. My project is on the nonverbal cues of depression! That’s pretty much all I know. I have no idea how I’m gonna collect the data and what I’m going to report, but I know that’s my topic. It’s great because I want to be in Mental Health Counseling for the Deaf, so nonverbal and depression both will help with the Deaf and with the mental health field. This topic and research is going to absorb the remainder of my time here (which is two semesters!). I’m excited to get started!

“Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness.” Doctrine and Covenants 58:27

News of another sort… I may be coming home mid-April and not returning back to Hawaii for Summer A. Instead, I will be taking a couple online classes from home. Once Summer A is over, I would then fly out from SeaTac to India for my Internship, and then fly from India back to Hawaii for my final semester. We’ll see how it all plays out. I have to talk with my Academic Advisor, as well as my Psych professor and see if I can take the online courses and fly from Seattle instead. I hope it all works, because it would save on loads of money, and allow me to come home for a bit. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be returning home, most likely, until I graduate at the end of October.

On a different note, I’ve still been spending almost ALL of my time in the library. It’s been great. Ha! I get to be “away from the world” in a sense. With all that is going on, it’s nice that I can still get away and have some time to myself to contemplate what the Lord wants for me. I’ve been spending a lot of time with my Heavenly Father, whether it be on my own in the library, or dwelling in my bedroom. I’m still trying to figure out what He wants of me, and what His plan is for me. I still feel slightly lost, but I know I am not alone.

“When thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.” Matthew 6:6

I loved my Church meeting today. Why? I’ll tell you. We talked about receiving revelations for ourselves and how we have to listen. If we want to talk to God, pray; if we want God to talk to us, we need to listen and read our scriptures. That’s one thing I’ve been lacking is listening. After I pray, I immediately lie my head down and go to sleep. How do I expect to get an answer to my deepest inquiries if I don’t take the time to seek out His answer and listen?! Also, we learned about our divine nature and of who we are as Children of God. Another speaker referenced how we must follow our Savior with no questions asked, just doing it.

I am so grateful for the chances that I have every day and every moment of every day to turn to my Father and seek His wisdom and guidance. I still struggle to be in tune with the Spirit at all times, but I know He’s there. I know I am receiving help and I know that He’s building me up. I just can’t see it, but I feel it. Just as I can’t see the wind, or love, or even my brain, I know it’s there because I can feel it. I know my Father in Heaven loves me, and I know He’s watching out for me, especially in my times of trial and tribulation. I have to remember to turn to Him and take that first step so that He can lift me up and carry me.

“In the Gospel of Jesus Christ you have help from both sides of the veil and you must never forget that. When disappointment and discouragement strike—and they will—you remember and never forget that if our eyes could be opened, we would see horses and chariots of fire as far as the eye can see riding and reckless speed to come to our protection. They will always be there, these armies of heaven in defense of Abraham’s seed.” 2 Kings 6:16-17: Jeffrey R. Holland

As I’ve been turning to my Savior, I have received strength, minimal, but still strength. I have yet to see the full “fruit of my labors”, but I know the Lord is still there. I was able to go out with my friends this past weekend and actually do things. Up until now, I’ve been shutting everyone out and not wanting to go out and do things. I would rather like to be by myself and go to sleep early. However, this past weekend, I went for a run one day, I went to the Comedy Show, and then I went to Seven Brothers (a restaurant) afterwards with a bunch of friends. It’s something simple and small, but I know it’s the Lord strengthening me and helping me, by putting that desire and fire back into me.

“…By small and simple things are great things brought to pass...” Alma 37:6

I am so beyond grateful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I don’t deserve it, but I’m grateful for the chance I have to hand over my burdens and pain to my Savior. Because of Him, I can smile, Because of Him, I can feel joy. Because of Him, I can repent. Because of Him, I can love. Because of Him, I can live. I am so grateful for all He does for me and for all He will continue to do. Life is hard, but the Gospel makes it easy. 

Even amidst all the tough classes, uncertainty, the pain of loss, homesickness, and feelings of inadequacies, I know that I can be strengthened through my Savior and He has provided a way for me to be happy. The decisions I make right now are of the most importance, and I am so glad that I have the opportunity to turn to my Heavenly Father to seek His help and His counsel.

“Our decisions have made us what we are. Our eternal destiny will be determined by the decisions we yet will make.”

I love you all! And I am so grateful for y’all in my life. I hope you have a great week and don’t forget to turn your burdens over to the Lord when you feel like you can’t do it alone. <3  

“Sometimes the Lord hopefully waits on His children to act on their own, and when they do not, they lose the greater reward, and the Lord will either drop the entire matter and let them suffer the consequences or else He will have to spell it out in greater detail. Usually, I fear, the more He has to spell it out, the smaller our reward.” –Ezra Taft Benson

I Need Thee Every Hour

Soo…. Today is Sunday, and I’m just starting this “newsletter”. My Mama texted me and asked if I’ve done it for this week, and obviously, I said no… So here I am, writing and trying to recall my past week’s experiences. I’ve decided not to do what I did last year when I was at school—where I wrote about each day. But rather, this time around, I’m going to write as I did while on my mission, and just do an overview of the week. Sound good? Sounds good.

Well, I arrived in Hawaii last week and had a few days with my daddy in town. It was nice to have him come with me and have his help moving in. I was originally supposed to have five girls total in my house (and only one bathroom). However, two of the girls bailed, so now there are only three of us, and we all have a private room (except I’m the only one paying for a private room….). They’re great. Victoria is from England and an English major, and Lauren is from San Diego and is an Art major.

This past week has been pretty much miserable. Since October, up until I came back to Hawaii, I’ve been dating Chris. We decided that since I’m here, and he’s back home in Washington, and since he’s soon leaving on a mission, that we will not be doing long distance. So, I’ve been a terrible wreck all lonesome-like this whole week trying to accept that it’s over. One thing that is nice though is that I have really difficult classes this term, so I’m constantly in the library. That makes it so I don’t have to force myself to be social, but rather I can be by myself and get my studying done. I have been doing better, though! I haven’t been crying every day (just every night… ha ha!) and I’ve actually been having a smile on my face. I’m starting to accept it, but that doesn’t, by any means, mean that I am content with just being friends. It’s still really difficult and painful, but I know I can make it through. Plus, if for whatever reason it doesn’t work out for me and Chris in the end, because I have faith in the Lord, I know He has something better prepared for me.

“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6

On top of the break-up, it’s also really weird and uncomfortable being back. There are a lot of people here that are expecting to be on a mission and say to me, “Wait… you’re not supposed to be here”, or “I thought you were on a mission”, or anything along those terms. It’s awful because then I have to explain to them the story that I’ve told about fifty-million times now. One plus is that this semester, my hair is much darker (instead of blonde, as it was last year), and I’m not wearing my glasses. Which means, I can disguise myself, especially when people aren’t expecting to see me; it’s easy to hide myself.

So, not only is it hard coping with no longer having Chris in my life, and being back to school and having to answer those questions all over again, but my classes this year are going to be incredibly rough. Because I’m on my last two semesters, I’m in the difficult round of Senior level Psychology courses, which means death. Come February and March, I will pretty much be dying. So if y’all think I fell off the face of the earth, I probably did. This week, I’ve already seen how the remainder of my semester will be going… I’ve been spending every spare moment in the library studying, reading, and writing summaries. It is going to be GREAT!

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28

I’ve been meeting with my Psych professor, and so far, so good for going to India this Summer. If it doesn’t work out to go with the Psych group, or with an ASL group, then my professor will arrange for just me to go as an internship through Career Services. I am so excited, and that is one of the “good news” that I’ve received thus far.

ALSO! I am taking a Doctrine and Covenants course, and I am LOVING it. It is so great. We have to read the Student Manual along with the D&C, and it’s amazing. I love having to read D&C each day, because it’s truly modern revelation for us TODAY, and for everyone. It’s incredible. Because I’ve had a lot of spare time (when I’m taking breaks from my constant studying), I’ve had ample time to read my scriptures. I love it. I am able to take time each day to read out of the Book of Mormon. Also, because I’ve been struggling so bad, I’ve been able to grow so much closer to my Savior as I take advantage of His Atonement. I am so grateful for the healing power of the Atonement, and for the love my Savior has for me. I know I wouldn’t be able to get through each day with a smile on my face if it wasn’t for my Savior, Jesus Christ. I am so grateful for Him and for the chance I have to turn to Him and have my burdens lifted from me.

“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” John 14: 27

Lately, I’ve had my mission on my mind, running circles all day, every day. I’m trying to figure out what the Lord wants for me. I thought I knew, and then I didn’t, and then I thought I knew, and now I don’t again. It’s just weird because I don’t feel like BYU–Hawaii is where I’m supposed to be. It doesn’t feel the same and I don’t feel that desire to be here, or the drive to do anything. The only thing holding me here is the fact that I have TWO semesters left (yes, TWO SEMESTERS), and I will definitely be getting my B.A. in Psychology, so I’m not going to drop school. But I feel like there’s something more. There’s something else that the Lord wants for me. Whether it’s going back on my mission, getting married, or going off to Grad School as soon as I graduate, I don’t know. All I know is that once I get healed, I am definitely going back on a mission so that I can serve and fully give my heart to the Lord once again. I loved every second of my mission, and I wish to go back. I know that if that is what the Lord has planned for me, then He will heal me. I have no doubt about that. But in the meantime, I will do my best to enjoy living in Hawaii! 

Sorry there wasn’t anything all too interesting that happened this week…. My life is pretty much going to be consisting of studying and working and sleeping. Love you all!       

Homecoming Talk 11/9/2014

Briefly share the parable of Steve and the pushups.

·         If the people in the class want a doughnut, he has to do pushups. If they don’t, because he’s getting tired or whatever reason, he still has to do the pushups. So, he does them whether we accept the doughnut or not.

Please just keep in mind that parable as I go throughout my talk.

I've really learned how much I rely on my Savior, and how much He's played a part in my life. Seriously, I would not be where I am and who I am today without His hand in my life. He's directed my paths so I could have served in Arkansas and teach the people I me. He's done so much for me and has taught me so much. I've come to a real understanding of what it means by "faith precedes miracles". Once I put my trust in the Lord and turn to Him, then that is when miracles can happen, and have happened. As I turn to Him in prayer, and as I read, I feel prompted to do things and go places. Every time, we meet SOMEONE that needs to hear the Gospel, or that knows someone that can benefit from hearing the Word of God. It is truly incredible. And I love how much closer I have come to my Father in Heaven as I serve. It was truly a humbling experience.

Sister Carroll and I discussed “doing our best”. I mentioned how I'm always working my hardest and doing my best, because that's how I was raised, I never half-worked at something, but always gave me. Because of that, I never feel like I didn't do the best that I could that day. But rather, looking at things positively and seeing how much we DID do that day. And then Sister Carroll said, "doing better than our best is doing our best with the Lord's help". From that, I learned that maybe I am doing the best that I can do by myself, but with the Lord, I can do so much more! And that's what I plan on doing. I will exceed my best, because the Lord will fill me up, because he’s already done it!

Even when things get rough, there's still always a sense of hope. I love that about the Gospel of Jesus Christ. And I love the stress on humility. For a time, I studied the attributes of Christ. I studied, and read, and prayed, and searched myself to know which areas and characteristics I need to work on. The top two areas are 'patience' and 'humility'.

Humility is pretty much coming to a knowledge of the glory of God and knowing of your nothingness. It's being meek, poor in spirit, submissive, and teachable. (Not understand until seeing “teachable”) Rather than boasting of yourself and your goodness, you boast of God (Alma 26:12). I know that I am nothing without Him, but with Him, I am everything.

Going along with humility comes patience. He does all things, in His own timing. For He knows all. In Psalms 46:10, it says"Be still and know that I am God". That's a powerful statement. Knowing that He is God and that I am nothing without Him, I can exercise my trust in Him and fully submit to His will and be patient, for He works all things for my good, but at the time that HE seeth fit.

I know that as we strive to win mastery over ourselves and develop patience, we can become more like our Heavenly Father. He has paved the way for us. We just have to exercise our trust and defeat the natural man. As we do that, the Lord will help us overcome the challenges we face and give us the strength to suffer opposition without anger or frustration. And we remove our doubt, we will come to "see God". When we become humble, we will understand His greatness.

Now, referring back to the parable about Steve…. He already has suffered. He already knows how we feel. He knows our struggles, he knows our weaknesses. We need to turn to Him and accept His suffering in our own lives.

The Lord puts things into our life, more so allows them to happen, so that we can learn and grow. I truly feel that I gained so much knowledge, both spiritually and intellectually, while I was serving. Maybe this was His plan all along. Maybe I never was to serve a full mission. Maybe I wasn't supposed to in the first place. Maybe there are other things in store for me. Maybe, maybe, maybe. I don't know the answers, and I'm okay with that. All I know is that I've grown soooo much closer to my Father in Heaven than I ever thought possible. I’ve learned what the Atonement of Jesus Christ really is. That is plays a part in the pre-existence, in earth life, and in the spirit world. I’ve learned that the Atonement encompasses three parts- the suffering in Gethsemane, the crucifixion, and the resurrection. I always thought it really was only the suffering… But all three play a part in “through the Atonement of Jesus Christ all mankind may be saved”, because we have to be resurrected in order to live with our Father in Heaven again. I learned the simple gospel principles that are so basic, but so essential to our exaltation. I've grown to appreciate the scriptures and to appreciate my leaders. I have increased my testimony ten fold.

The whole process of coming to the realization that I can't go back was truly incredible. The Lord provided a way for me to come to terms with my future, before it was thrown at my face. He allowed me to make the choice and to be okay with it, before I learned that I cannot return. My doctor knew all along that I wouldn't be able to go back, but he was remaining optimistic and would say "if a miracle happened....". However, once I accepted my own fate, and truly submitted to the Lord's will for me, that was when the truth of the matter was revealed.

Sister Carroll showed me a talk by Brad Wilcox titled “His Grace Is Sufficient”. In it, referencing the Atonement, he says, “You have plenty to do, but it is not to pay that debt. We will all be resurrected. We will all go back to God’s presence to be judged. What is left to be determined by our obedience is how comfortable we plan to be in God’s presence and what degree of glory we plan on receiving.” Not only to we have to let the His grace change us, but we have to allow it to transform us. No unclean thing can dwell with God, but also, no unclean thing will WANT to because they won’t be comfortable. The miracle of the Atonement is not just so we can go home but that we can feel at home there. We need to have that change in us so we no longer are comfortable with sin but comfortable with our Father.

Many people give up on the Church when they feel like they are falling short. But everything in our life requires practice, as Brad Wilcox says, “When learning piano, are the only options performing at Carnegie Hall or quitting? No. Growth and development take time. Learning takes time. When we understand grace, we understand that God is long-suffering. When we understand grace, we understand that the blessings of Christ’s Atonement are continuous and His strength is perfect in our weakness.”

It's funny, because when I was home, I was dependent upon my earthly parents. I needed them for everything. Especially when I was away at school. I felt so incompetent. I looked to my mama for help for anything, and everything. But then, as I was doing the Lord's work, the one that I aspire to is my Heavenly Father and His perfect son, Jesus Christ. As I do that, and as I constantly remember Him, I learn patience, kindness, gentleness, charity, love, diligence, and my faith increases. As I understood grace, I became more reliable on Him and understood the purpose of the Atonement. It is for me. It is for you. It is for us.

Brad Wilcox says, “God’s grace is sufficient. Jesus’ grace is sufficient. It is enough. It is all we need. Don’t quite. Keep trying. Don’t look for escapes and excuses. Look for the Lord and His perfect strength. Don’t search for someone to blame. Search for someone to help you. Seek Christ, as you do, you will feel the enabling power and divine help we call His amazing grace.” 

I know this to be real. Why? Because I’ve done it! I was in a place where I felt so lost, so confused. I was blaming myself, and even slightly blamed God. But! I was reminded of His grace. I was reminded of the power of the Atonement. I was reminded that through Him, we can receive strength. As I've said throughout, as I turned to the Lord, I TRULY felt His power, love, and guidance in all that I’ve done. I know that He has a plan for me. And I know that I only know a little part of that plan. But I need to trust Him and His amazing grace that will save a wretch like me.

As I fully put my trust in Him and remember that "all these things shall give [me] experience", I know that I can get through it. As I humble myself and turn to the Lord and show Him my weaknesses, He will make me strong. He will help me through and provide me with that comfort that I need throughout my life. He will help me know that these are His plans and I need to forsake myself and give it all to Him. As I do that, I know I will get through this and that all things will be for my good. I am already learning that I am nothing. He can give, and He can take away just as easily. But, I know that as I fully submit to His will all things will work out.

God is real. He is mindful of everyone. And He lives. I know He lives. I have felt Him in my life. I have experienced it. I spoke His words. I know they weren't mine. I know he directs His children today. I know that plans fall through so that His plans can happen. I know miracles happen AFTER the trials of our faith. I know that I have a loving Heavenly Father. I know that because of that, He sent His Son so that I can return to Him. I know that He walked this earth. I know that it is only through Him that I will live. I know that my Redeemer lives. I say these things in His name, Jesus Christ. Amen.

Though Deepening Trials

(Last day as "Girl With A Tag")

Well, that's a wrap, y'all. As of Saturday, October 4, 2014, I am no longer a full-time missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

To get to this point has been eventful and interesting, and full of stress, tears, trial, and growth. This week, I was able to work in the Federal Way Mission Office, as well as go to the Seattle Temple with my mama. My Grandma was actually working in the Temple during our session. So that was a way nice surprise. Both of those were great. I truly love the temple and I learn so much each time I go. 

I have been continually praying and pondering what the Lord wants for me, and how best I can serve Him. With help from the Lord, I came to the conclusion that I will not be returning. Through much study, fasting, and prayer, I was shown that the Lord has other plans for me. I accepted that. And I accepted His plan for me. On Friday (yesterday), my chiropractor told me that I will not be able to return to my mission because I will not be able to get the treatment while in the field that I need in order to maintain my pain. If, for whatever reason, I'm able to return back to my mission, then I have until the end of November. But, after that, I will not be able to return to Arkansas.

The whole process of coming to the realization that I can't go back was truly incredible. The Lord provided a way for me to come to terms with my future, before it was thrown at my face. He allowed me to make the choice and to be okay with it, before I learned that I cannot return. My doctor knew all along that I wouldn't be able to go back, but he was remaining optimistic and would say "if a miracle happened....". However, once I accepted my own fate, and truly submitted to the Lord's will for me, that was when the truth of the matter was revealed.

The Lord puts things into our life, more so allows them to happen, so that we can learn and grow. I truly feel that I gained so much knowledge, both spiritually and intellectually, while I was serving. Maybe this was His plan all along. Maybe I never was to serve a full mission. Maybe I wasn't supposed to in the first place. Maybe there are other things in store for me. Maybe, maybe, maybe. I don't know the answers, and I'm okay with that. All I know is that I've grown soooo much closer to my Father in Heaven than I ever thought possible. I've grown to appreciate the scriptures and to appreciate my leaders. I have increased my testimony ten fold.

To all those prospective missionaries who may be reading this: if you have any doubts about serving, stop doubting! It will change your life, if you allow it. You will gain so much as you help others gain even more. Serve with all your heart, might, mind, and strength.

To those who may not be members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints: I invite you, with every fiber in my being, to learn more about Christ's teachings. Talk to the missionaries, and read the Book of Mormon. The purpose of missionaries is to merely add to the truth which you already have. Pleeease consider this invitation to come closer to our Father in Heaven.

To those who have already served missions: You have done a great work. The Church is expanding and more people are coming to the truth. We were a part of that! We are a part of that marvelous work. And don't you ever forget it!

And to all others: I love you, and I love my Savior. Thank you for all the support and love you've shown me. And thank you for who you are.

And with that, I would like to end with my testimony of the restored gospel and of missionary work. I know it is real. I know that The Church of Jesus Christ was brought back to the Earth by Jesus Christ Himself, through Joseph Smith. I know this because I have evidence. That evidence is found in the Book of Mormon. Through these words, I come closer to Heavenly Father in ways I could never have imagined. I have learned so much about who I am and who I'm supposed to be. I continue to learn about what I need to change to better align my life with Heavenly Father's will for me. I know that as I pray, He really is listening, and will answer my prayers -- it may not be in the timely manner that I was expecting, but in His time, all things will come. I know that we have a living Prophet on the Earth today, Thomas S. Monson. I know that he truly speaks the words of God, just as those in the scriptures. I am so grateful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ (or the good news!) that brings me hope. I love to repent and I love to increase my faith. All this is possible through the knowledge that this restored gospel brings. I am so excited for the day that Heavenly Father will call to me and welcome me in His arms to thank me for all I've done and to welcome me home. This I leave with you, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Let The Holy Spirit Guide

It sure has been an interesting week, no doubt about it. I've been continuing to go to the chiropractor throughout the week. I don't really see much progression, but we'll see how it goes. My doctor contacted my Mission President and we got back some not so great news. Mission Medical says that I'm not allowed back until I'm healed 100%. Also, I'm not permitted maintenance checkups with the doctor when I return. President Wakolo said that instead of going back for the October transfer, rather I should wait it out longer and not go back until the end of November. Even then, if Mission Medical won't allow maintenance checkups frequently, I'm not sure if I'll be able to meet the requirements of being 100% and only going to the chiropractor, at most, once a month.

(First AWFUL haircut fixing. Too short)

(Even shorter, plus darker... Goodbye blonde)

Last week, I stopped by the Mission Office and set up to go help out there on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I was able to attend an office luncheon, which was nice. I also attended Institute. I've been receiving letters and phone calls saying "welcome back from your mission. Post mission, it's good to attend Institute with YSA to keep the spirit", or something along those lines. Funny...... But anyways, I found a companion to go with me, and off we went. It was some deep doctrine. I had to explain myself to the class, as well, so that was just faaantastic.

With my daddy, I went to the Ward Missionary Correlation Meeting. We were able to discuss the less actives and the recent convert that my dad and I met last week. It was really neat. And boy, are things run differently here then back in Arkansas! It's crazy how different missions are run.

Back - Elder Cottom, Kohl Stanford, Sister Smith, Leslie Smith
Front - Elder Rainey, Elder Loosli, Elder Mennenga

We had a Deaf Social on Saturday, that mama and I went to. It was actually really fun! We played basketball and Uno! There weren't too many people there -- just the four missionaries, a recent convert, and a partially blind-deaf man. It was loads of fun though. Then Katie Manning and I were able to go to the Deaf Branch the next day for church. President Choi (the Seattle Mission President) was there, and stayed for all three hours! It was way neat. He spoke in Sacrament, and then also during Sunday School, we had a Q&A session with him. He's of the Seventy, so it was a unique experience. I was also able to interpret for Roy again (one of the Deaf-Blind men in the Branch). It was a great learning experience. I seriously love that Branch so much.

(Michelle Lynne Hirschi... About 4hrs old)

Some other exciting news..... Kayla (my sister) had her baby on Tuesday! Her name is Michelle Lynne, and she is the cutest! I've been in and out of the hospital the past couple of days with them. It's all very exciting. And I'm so glad that I'm able to be here for this time with her, as well as with Kayla.

I met with my Stake President last night. We discussed about returning and about staying. He will be contacting my Mission President, as well as Mission Medical. But it looks like I may not be returning... With the requirements of Mission Medical and with the condition I am in with my back and all the pain, it may not be permitted for me to return back to Arkansas to complete my mission.

Again, I still continue to learn so much of what the Lord wants of me. It's times like these, of difficult decision-making, that I realize how much the Lord truly does guide my life. He knows what I need, and He knows what is best for me. I wish that I can continue to be more patient with the Lord's timing. As I remember His desires for me, I know that I can never go wrong. He will fully, and completely lead me to the paths I should take as I continue to study, fast, and pray.

Where Can I Turn For Peace?

Where do I even begin? Well, since I'm home, I went to the Puyallup Fair last P-day, which was great, and odd! I wasn't able to go to the Fair last year, because I was away at school in Hawaii. But this year, I went, but couldn't go on the rides.... Lame! So, instead, I did the games. And guess what! I actually won! I played hat game where you throw the ring onto the bottle, and I made it! I leaned over to my mom and said, "Does anyone actually win this?" and then I threw it, and made it on! I won a MASSIVE panda bear. Stoked! I also won a little panda twice (and traded up for a medium) at another game where you launch the rubber frog into the basket. That was pretty cool as well. I have never won at games before!

(Panda won from Ring Toss)

(Baby Panda won from Frog Launch)

(Too much fun with Malik and the hamster...
Man, he loves that thing!)

I've been planning on going out with the sister missionaries that are in a different Ward in my Stake, but it's never worked out. Mainly because I haven't been feeling too up for it. I think I've decided though to serve in the temple, maybe a couple days a week, when I don't go to the doctor. I'll be answering phones, or recording ordinances, which is a nice place to be. So, I'm looking forward to that. And I think I'll also work in the Mission Office. Maybe once a week, if I can get that all figured out. It's just too hard to sit for so long. So rather, I've been chilling at home with my mama while she babysits a little 2-year-old boy named Malik. I've been having fun playing with him. He's such a cutie. I love kids. That's one thing that gets me through the boring, long days at home.

(He loves smiling for the camera.
And boy, he sure did love that massive panda)

Last Wednesday, we had the elders from our Ward over for dinner. For the thought, we watched a Mormon Message called "The Hope of God's Light" which I actually watched a couple days prior. I LOVE it. It's all about how even though we may be feeling like we are surrounded by darkness, we need to remember that God CAN and WILL illuminate the way for us as we turn to Him. It's a powerful message.

I had the WONDERFUL opportunity to attend the Deaf Branch in Shoreline with my mama on Sunday. My goodness. I love those people in that Branch. I always feel so uplifted when I attend there. And it was great because I didn't feel like people were judging or staring like I did last week in my home ward. Rather, they welcomed me back with open arms. I love the chance I have to attend the Branch and to be an ASL missionary, even for a short little while.

I've also been seeing my chiropractor here. I had an MRI as well. Luckily, my back isn't injured too seriously. But, he did see a little bulge because my tailbone was impacted and compacted so it caused a small bulge in my disk. Or something like that. I don't know all the fancy doctoral words. But, the good news is that I DON'T need surgery and I should be back in Arkansas by October 21st, if all goes well! (:

It's still been incredibly odd being home, and still being a missionary. My mom has been my companion and it's weird never being alone, or being able to run out to the store real quick. I still feel lost and not sure where I fit. But I know, without a doubt, that the Lord truly can comfort me in this time of suffering, confusion, and sense of nowhere. I know that He has a plan for me. I know that I can turn to Him and truly feel the effects of the Atonement in my life. I know that I can be comforted, feel peace, and feel purpose in my life right now.

I'm learning to accept this challenge I have and to truly submit to the Lord's will. I know that as I do that, all things will work out. (:

I'll Go Where You Want Me To Go

"All these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good." (D&C 122:7)

Upon Sister Carroll leaving, I was sentenced to the ASL Sisters. Yes, I use the word "sentenced" because it really seemed that way. It was an incredible struggle. After serving with Sister Carroll and her unfailing love and desire to serve fully and completely, it was hard to be with those that didn't have that same gusto. It was also frustrating being with many girls. In one apartment, it was the ASL Sisters and the Spanish Sisters. Which means, there was five of us living all together. I felt like I was back in college. Sometimes, even like I was back in high school. I remembered then why I don't really surround myself with groups of girls.... From being with them, I learned the importance of obeying with exactness which in turn, allows us to feel the Spirit more abundantly.

While I was with them, I had the wonderful opportunity to teach a few Deaf people. It was really neat. And I loved meeting them and sharing with them about the restored Gospel. I sure hope that in due time, I will be transferred to the ASL program. There are three areas within the Arkansas Little Rock Mission that are ASL-- Little Rock, West Haven, and Hot Springs. I'm hoping I'll be spending some time in those soon.

On Wednesday, it was transfer day. Man, that was hectic. I had no idea what was happening. Because, on Tuesday, I was told that I will be going home on Saturday. Why, you may ask? Because Mission Medical won't permit the treatment needed for my back, so they're sending me home to get the care needed. So, come transfers, I had no idea what the plan was. Turns out, President Wakolo assigned two NEW sisters to Pinnacle Mountain. They never served in Pinnacle Mountain before, and neither of them knew the area.

(Saying goodbye to Walker and Bre'Yunna)

From Wednesday until Saturday morning, I served with them. Informing them all about the area, the people, the investigators, and the members. It was a challenge. We tried to schedule to see all those that we were working with, so that I could introduce them. Not only was it a struggle to see all those we were working with, but it was hard being in a trio. Especially because our personalities didn't all mesh well too greatly. We were able to see most of the investigators and the recent converts before I had to leave. Luckily, I was able to say a few goodbyes to them, as well as some of the ward members.

(TEMPORARILY home at SeaTac International Airport)

Eventually, Saturday morning rolled around and off I was to come back home. It was a long plane ride and a long, emotionally tiring day. I learned that I will NOT be released as a full-time missionary, but rather remain as a missionary, living the missionary life, and keeping my tag on. Holy. That hit me. I was thinking that I'd be released from my calling as a missionary, so that's what I was prepared for. Never did I think I'd remain a missionary living in the real world at home but continuing to keep a missionary lifestyle and schedule.

The past few days have been incredibly rough. Especially yesterday at church. It was hard because I didn't want to be there. People were staring and asking questions, and I just didn't want to answer, because I didn't want to be there. However, my Bishop did make a nice announcement during church for the reasoning behind me being home. So that was good, because then it limited the people coming up to me with wondering questions. Not being released, I feel, made being home even harder. Honestly, I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing here, and I don't know why I'm here. All I know is that it's what the Lord wants.

As I fully put my trust in Him and remember that "all these things shall give [me] experience", I know that I can get through it. As I humble myself and turn to the Lord and show Him my weaknesses, He will make me strong. He will help me through this and provide me with that comfort. He will help me know that these are His plans and I need to forsake myself and give it all to Him. As I do that, I know I will get through this and that all things will be for my good. I am already learning that I am nothing. He can give, and He can take away just as easily. But, I know that as I fully submit to His will, eventually, I can be healed up soon and hopefully back in Arkansas and it will be like I never even left. While I am home, I am still living as a missionary. I am waking up early, exercising, studying. Soon, I'll be going out with the sister missionaries, and serving in the temple. But my main focus right now is to put full confidence in the Lord and trust that He will heal me so that I can serve Him fully.