Tuesday, September 16, 2014

I'll Go Where You Want Me To Go

"All these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good." (D&C 122:7)
Upon Sister Carroll leaving, I was sentenced to the ASL Sisters. Yes, I use the word "sentenced" because it really seemed that way. It was an incredible struggle. After serving with Sister Carroll and her unfailing love and desire to serve fully and completely, it was hard to be with those that didn't have that same gusto. It was also frustrating being with many girls. In one apartment, it was the ASL Sisters and the Spanish Sisters. Which means, there was five of us living all together. I felt like I was back in college. Sometimes, even like I was back in high school. I remembered then why I don't really surround myself with groups of girls.... From being with them, I learned the importance of obeying with exactness which in turn, allows us to feel the Spirit more abundantly.

While I was with them, I had the wonderful opportunity to teach a few Deaf people. It was really neat. And I loved meeting them and sharing with them about the restored Gospel. I sure hope that in due time, I will be transferred to the ASL program. There are three areas within the Arkansas Little Rock Mission that are ASL-- Little Rock, West Haven, and Hot Springs. I'm hoping I'll be spending some time in those soon.

On Wednesday, it was transfer day. Man, that was hectic. I had no idea what was happening. Because, on Tuesday, I was told that I will be going home on Saturday. Why, you may ask? Because Mission Medical won't permit the treatment needed for my back, so they're sending me home to get the care needed. So, come transfers, I had no idea what the plan was. Turns out, President Wakolo assigned two NEW sisters to Pinnacle Mountain. They never served in Pinnacle Mountain before, and neither of them knew the area.

(Saying goodbye to Walker and Bre'Yunna)
From Wednesday until Saturday morning, I served with them. Informing them all about the area, the people, the investigators, and the members. It was a challenge. We tried to schedule to see all those that we were working with, so that I could introduce them. Not only was it a struggle to see all those we were working with, but it was hard being in a trio. Especially because our personalities didn't all mesh well too greatly. We were able to see most of the investigators and the recent converts before I had to leave. Luckily, I was able to say a few goodbyes to them, as well as some of the ward members.

(TEMPORARILY home at SeaTac International Airport)
Eventually, Saturday morning rolled around and off I was to come back home. It was a long plane ride and a long, emotionally tiring day. I learned that I will NOT be released as a full-time missionary, but rather remain as a missionary, living the missionary life, and keeping my tag on. Holy. That hit me. I was thinking that I'd be released from my calling as a missionary, so that's what I was prepared for. Never did I think I'd remain a missionary living in the real world at home but continuing to keep a missionary lifestyle and schedule.

The past few days have been incredibly rough. Especially yesterday at church. It was hard because I didn't want to be there. People were staring and asking questions, and I just didn't want to answer, because I didn't want to be there. However, my Bishop did make a nice announcement during church for the reasoning behind me being home. So that was good, because then it limited the people coming up to me with wondering questions. Not being released, I feel, made being home even harder. Honestly, I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing here, and I don't know why I'm here. All I know is that it's what the Lord wants.

As I fully put my trust in Him and remember that "all these things shall give [me] experience", I know that I can get through it. As I humble myself and turn to the Lord and show Him my weaknesses, He will make me strong. He will help me through this and provide me with that comfort. He will help me know that these are His plans and I need to forsake myself and give it all to Him. As I do that, I know I will get through this and that all things will be for my good. I am already learning that I am nothing. He can give, and He can take away just as easily. But, I know that as I fully submit to His will, eventually, I can be healed up soon and hopefully back in Arkansas and it will be like I never even left. While I am home, I am still living as a missionary. I am waking up early, exercising, studying. Soon, I'll be going out with the sister missionaries, and serving in the temple. But my main focus right now is to put full confidence in the Lord and trust that He will heal me so that I can serve Him fully.