Start of Something New

You caught me. I completely and totally titled this post after the song from High School Musical. I've had the idea of this blog post since before I left for China. And now it's finally here. Yes, I've 100% postponed writing about it, because then I'm allowing it to sink in and become more real. But, I guess I have to accept it sooner or later, and so here I am, at the end of an era. 

If I'm being totally and completely honest, I had a slight fear of concluding my China adventures. Those who know me well (which I'm coming to realize isn't too many people) are quite aware of how I get anxious about the future and love to always have a plan. Everything I do now is in direct correlation to what I want in the long run. I greatly have a future-oriented view on life. And so, ever since leaving for China, I knew that myself and my future were about to change and be something I hadn't experienced before. My time in China changed me. I had the wonderful chance to become more independent. I learned more about myself and my priorities, as well as those things which are most important to me in this life. It was definitely a rewarding experience. 

 So where does this idea of it being "the end of an era" fit in, you may ask. Well, let me tell you. Before this summer, I was still very much not completely independent. I had an hourly-paid job, which also didn't always guarantee working days. I was living paycheck to paycheck. I was still relying on my parents a lot. I didn't feel quite fully in charge of my life. I didn't feel like I was my own person. I still felt like the little girl looking to her Mommy and Daddy for guidance in most things. Within a week of ending my China adventures, all of that changed. I was embracing a new life. This new life being that of adulthood. I was coming home to a real salary-paying career (that I absolutely LOVE, by the way). Therefore, I have to learn all about the benefits which are provided. I never paid any attention to things financially or insurance related before. I was being thrown into a whole new world. A world where I no longer could act like a child, and where I now must throw away childish things. The real question is though... Is it the end of an era, or really the beginning of a new time? It's really how we look at it that affects our attitude about our experiences. 

Being placed in the unknown has often terrified me. I've always feared change and feared what I have yet to understand. It's been truly debilitating, at times. But I have made a resolve that I will no longer be that person. I will no longer let my fear stand in the way of me becoming the daughter that my Heavenly Father knows me to be. And so, I am becoming a new woman in Christ. Yes, I am still experiencing new things each day. Yes, sometimes I do get nervous about these changes. But I know that if I want to grow (mentally, emotionally, and most importantly, spiritually), then I have to embrace this life. 

Now, returning back to my futuristic view... Sometimes, it has been a good thing, because my detailed view of what the future might hold pushes me forward, into tomorrow. However, because of this, I struggle to truly live and experience life in the present, in the here and now. I have a perfect example of this. Upon my first weeks living in Utah, a friend had said to me, after I refused to go out that night because I was tired and had work the next morning, "Jess, don't forget to live while you're here making a living". I don't think he realizes how much that impacted me, and how much it still does even to this day. It's taken quite some time, but I finally am feeling like myself again. I am comfortable in my own skin and I am enjoying life. Many don't know the things that I have gone through in the past few years that have changed me and given me this distorted outlook and overall fear of the world. I have been fighting depression and anxiety every day. I've allowed my anxiety to overcome me and keep me from reaching my potential. But, I am bringing myself back. I'm returning to the things that I love to do. I'm drawing, reading, running, experiencing the outdoors, teaching, going to institute, serving, loving, singing, working, socializing, and learning. I still have a long ways to go, but I know that the Lord is with me every step of the way. He loves me and leads me and lives for me. Because of that, I must live for Him.