Monday, February 22, 2016

I'll Go Where You Want Me to Go... Part 2

(So. I was a lion.)
Hello friends, it looks like I will be seeing y'all A LOT earlier than originally thought, cuz this girl is making her way back home. Before any misconceptions are made, I want to let y'all know everything that is and will be going down. However, I need to preface it first...

As many of you know, I have been through a lot of chaos over the past year and a half, all pertaining to "the mission". Before I came back out on my mission, I was 20yrs old and had just received a Bachelor's Degree in Psychology and my whole life was in front of me, and it scared me. I thought that leaving on my mission, naturally, would make it so I wouldn't have to face those "real life" decisions right off the bat, but rather, 15mts down the road (jokes on me!). A week or two previous to me receiving the approval to return to Arkansas, I had thoughts and feelings that it may actually not be the Lord's plan for me. However, I pushed those thoughts away, because I had worked THIRTEEN MONTHS to return and I wasn't going to let it all go to waste. And so, I packed my bags and off I went to Arkansas.

(A pic from our zone sisters Pday.....)
It was rough from the very get-go. I was not given a full-time car, as was promised; my back pain came on even worse than I've experienced being home; I was diagnosed with clinical depression after a little over a month being back; on top of that, my therapist said that he has no more suggestions nor ideas on how to help me, because I am literally doing everything that should bring happiness, and I want to be doing them, but I'm still not happy; I have been experiencing no sleep, sicknesses, major headaches and fatigue, and major ankle pain all throughout, as well. I have come to realize that all of this turmoil was due to my wants and my will clashing with the Lord's will for me, which is the LAST thing I wanted to do. Returning to Arkansas, being back on my mission, didn't feel right. I wanted it to be right, so I did all that I could think to do to shake that feeling, but that un-rightness factor stayed. No matter what wonderful spiritual experiences occurred and grand people I met and taught, my enjoyment was lacking. Which made absolute no sense to me because I totally and completely love being a missionary. I love it, I just haven't been enjoying it. My desires were contrary to the impressions that kept arising that the Lord needs me elsewhere. And in the wise words of Nephi,
"I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do"        (Nephi 4:6).
(We got some mouth face thingies
from Sister Taylor's familia!)
That's truly how I am feeling. I feel as though I don't know all the answers. I couldn't understand why the Lord could possibly need me somewhere else. It makes no sense because this is where I truly want and have fought so hard to be.

But, the key to ALL of this is: it doesn't matter what I want, or what my parents want, or what she or he wants.... What matters is what the Lord wants, and all I want to do is to follow His will for me. And so, once again in Nephi's words,
"Nevertheless, I went forth..."
That is what I am doing. I don't know what is in store for me at home (because, I often times think nothing, heck... I'm nearly 21yrs old and already graduated from college... I don't know anything besides school), but, I am truly led by the Spirit, and so, I am going forth and returning home.

The reason that I am disclosing all of this to y'all is because I am really going to need y'alls support. It has been really difficult for me to accept this because I am afraid. I am afraid of leaving my mission, and I am afraid to have to face all the questions and the disappointed faces, all over again. I went through that once, a year and a half ago, and I won't do it again. I know this is part of Heavenly Father's plan. I ask for your prayers to help me understand what His further plans are for me, because I'm just as shocked as y'all may be.

I know that Heavenly Father quite literally has His hands in our lives, because we really do need that divine help. However, we must put our faith and trust in Him. He loves each of us because He is our loving Heavenly Father, so it only makes sense! When we fully submit ourselves to His will, only then will we be able to experience true happiness in this life and peace in the life to come. The gospel is real and I fully intend to continue to preach
 "exceedingly great and glorious tidings, in truth, unto the ends of the earth"                  (D&C 109:23).
Well, friends.... With that, I guess I will see you shortly. I'm not sure yet when, because it's not COMPLETELY finalized, but it shall be soon. I met with President Wakolo last week about it and he said to continue praying and he will as well. We will be meeting this week to set things in stone. Who knows what's happening, exactly, but I do know that I am to be home. Hopefully President gets that same answer...

I don't know what the future has in store, but I know that it will be bright!
"The future is as bright as your faith" (Thomas S. Monson).

Love y'all!
Sister Jessica Ann Smith

(Went on exchanges to Pinnacle Mountain
and I was able to see sweet Bre'Yunna!!)
(Zone Conference with the bestest!)

(After exchanges with our STLs (Sister Training Leaders...
Equivalent to the Zone Leaders, but only for the sisters in our Zone))