You know, everyone always thinks that newlyweds are always so happy. But I think we all need to face the facts-- Life still sucks. Just because I got married, my life isn't miraculously better. In truth, it's probably worse because now I have this human always around me thinking that I'm great when in reality, I feel like trash.
Many times, I have feelings of worthlessness and thoughts that I don't want to go on anymore. And right now is one of those times. I don't understand why I have to try so much harder than others to just feel contentment. I've come to accept that I probably won't reach pure happiness in this life, and I'm okay with that. All I really want is to feel like I've made a difference and that my actions are worth something.
Regardless of what I do, I still feel like nothing, and feel nothing. I can give my all at work to my 8th graders, and feel like it's not enough. The whole reason I went into teaching is because when I was in 2nd grade, I had a teacher who made me feel like I mattered. He made me feel like I could be whatever I wanted. Because of that, I wanted to do the same for others. So, I went into teaching to influence and show a caring hand to kids that need it. But, I feel like it's in vain. I don't feel like I'm making a difference. I don't feel like my kids care about how much I care about them. I don't even love my job anymore because all I get is disrespect all. day. long.
I try to be a good person, but I don't feel good. People don't notice the good I do; they just dwell on the negative. Guess what, y'all?! I'm human, too. Therefore, I'm totally imperfect. In fact, I'm pretty dang broken, in case you haven't noticed. But because of my imperfections, people always leave and I'm left wondering what I did wrong. Nothing is enough. Is it even worth it?
Why do I even try? Why do I care so much? It doesn't matter what I do. I still will be friendless, pushed aside, alone, hating myself, and not good enough.
I'm not writing this to receive your "sympathy love". I'm writing this to let you know my raw feelings. Life sucks, and no amount of hugs, sweet treats, or prayers is going to change that. I'm surrounded by cheerful, happy, wonderful people, and all I can think is "get me out of the Hell". And that's the truth. I could try to put a positive spin on this, but honestly... most of the time, I feel ZERO positivity and no hope for a better life. So why should I fake it? But that's life, even though I think things would be better for everyone involved if I just wasn't here, I still have to just push through it.
So here I am. Real, emotional, raw feelings and all. But you know what you're gonna see the next time we're together? You'll see me smiling and being involved. Little do you know what is really going on in my head. In case you were curious, it's not pleasant; my head is full of negativity, darkness, loneliness, anxiety, fear, and worthlessness.
