Growing up, my life was pretty easy. I was capable, accepted, talented, loved, and happy. At age 21, with no warning signs, my life was turned upside down.
I no longer felt capable; I didn't have the ability, fitness, or qualities necessary to achieve anything.
I no longer felt accepted; I was an outcast feeling like no one wanted me.
I no longer felt talented; I hid and didn't do the things I loved anymore.
I no longer felt loved; I felt worthless and a burden to others.
I no longer felt happy; I was deemed clinically depressed, and felt no goodness.
"Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest... It affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and sometimes you may feel as if life isn't worth living" (Mayo Clinic).I understood what depression was. I grew up with a depressed father. I studied and graduated with a degree in Psychology. I wanted to be a therapist. But I was no where near ready to be depressed myself. I wasn't ready for the thoughts and lack of feeling that was about to become my day-to-day life.
I suffered, cried, screamed, stayed in bed till 2pm, embraced seclusion, cursed God, broke friendships, lacked motivation, brought pain upon myself, and didn't care if I lived or died. Once a strong extroverted happy-go-lucky girl, I now felt like a weak introverted depressed woman.
Three and a half years later, many different therapists, and prescriptions of various anti-depressants, I can't say I've felt much change. I still feel like I'm in a black abyss. I still lack motivation to do anything. I still don't understand why I have to go through this. But I know that I must. I have walked through fire and am coming out stronger. Maybe not right now, but I know that I will, in a long while most likely, but it will come.
Being married, I recognize that my depression is no longer my own. In order to be happy in my marriage, I need to let my husband in. I need to share my thoughts, feelings, worries, fears, and darkness with him. This has been scary. It's caused a lot stress and anger in our marriage due to lack of communication. Even still, it's necessary and I'm seeing why; he loves me, and because he loves me, he wants to know my thoughts/feelings.
I often think it's pointless to discuss such things with my husband, or any one for that matter, because they just don't get it. They don't understand. They haven't experienced it. I feel like if I let others know, they would just tell me to "suck it up and change your thoughts". But, news flash! It's really not that easy. Heck, it's not easy at all. It's like telling someone who is paralyzed to get up and walk. Can they? No, definitely not. It's the same with depression. You can't just tell us to stop being depressed and to be happy instead. Because believe me, I've tried. So instead, I’ve put on the facade that everything is okay.
In spite of all this, the only way we (and when I say "we", I mean the community of individuals with depression) can help others understand is if we try to help them to understand. This means opening up. This means not hiding behind our depression. This means not being afraid to let others know. This means seeing a therapist, and doing so not in secret. This means getting the help that is needed. This means discussing our feelings with someone safe. It's the only way we can help others understand and it's the only way we can get the help that we need.
I've gained so much strength throughout the years as I've shared my experiences with like-minded individuals that may be struggling as well. I've also gained insight from non-depressed folk. I guess what I'm trying to get at is that strength comes from sharing. So don't be afraid. The depression may never leave, but it will become manageable.
I know that this is my weight to carry throughout my life, and I know that the Lord would never give me anything that I couldn't overcome. So I am still pushing. I am still holding strong. I am resilient. And I will not give in. And neither should you.
