Depression in its Raw Form

You know, everyone always thinks that newlyweds are always so happy. But I think we all need to face the facts-- Life still sucks. Just because I got married, my life isn't miraculously better. In truth, it's probably worse because now I have this human always around me thinking that I'm great when in reality, I feel like trash.

Many times, I have feelings of worthlessness and thoughts that I don't want to go on anymore. And right now is one of those times. I don't understand why I have to try so much harder than others to just feel contentment. I've come to accept that I probably won't reach pure happiness in this life, and I'm okay with that. All I really want is to feel like I've made a difference and that my actions are worth something.

Regardless of what I do, I still feel like nothing, and feel nothing. I can give my all at work to my 8th graders, and feel like it's not enough. The whole reason I went into teaching is because when I was in 2nd grade, I had a teacher who made me feel like I mattered. He made me feel like I could be whatever I wanted. Because of that, I wanted to do the same for others. So, I went into teaching to influence and show a caring hand to kids that need it. But, I feel like it's in vain. I don't feel like I'm making a difference. I don't feel like my kids care about how much I care about them. I don't even love my job anymore because all I get is disrespect all. day. long.

I try to be a good person, but I don't feel good. People don't notice the good I do; they just dwell on the negative. Guess what, y'all?! I'm human, too. Therefore, I'm totally imperfect. In fact, I'm pretty dang broken, in case you haven't noticed. But because of my imperfections, people always leave and I'm left wondering what I did wrong. Nothing is enough. Is it even worth it?

Why do I even try? Why do I care so much? It doesn't matter what I do. I still will be friendless, pushed aside, alone, hating myself, and not good enough.

I'm not writing this to receive your "sympathy love". I'm writing this to let you know my raw feelings. Life sucks, and no amount of hugs, sweet treats, or prayers is going to change that. I'm surrounded by cheerful, happy, wonderful people, and all I can think is "get me out of the Hell". And that's the truth. I could try to put a positive spin on this, but honestly... most of the time, I feel ZERO positivity and no hope for a better life. So why should I fake it? But that's life, even though I think things would be better for everyone involved if I just wasn't here, I still have to just push through it.

So here I am. Real, emotional, raw feelings and all. But you know what you're gonna see the next time we're together? You'll see me smiling and being involved. Little do you know what is really going on in my head. In case you were curious, it's not pleasant; my head is full of negativity, darkness, loneliness, anxiety, fear, and worthlessness.

Strength of the Depressed

Life is hard. Everybody feels this way. That doesn't make it any easier, though. Today, as I was listening to a particular broadcast, I was reminded that having the courage to share my story will strengthen not only me, but those who are led to it. I've been considering doing this for a while now, so here goes nothing...

Growing up, my life was pretty easy. I was capable, accepted, talented, loved, and happy. At age 21, with no warning signs, my life was turned upside down.
I no longer felt capable; I didn't have the ability, fitness, or qualities necessary to achieve anything.
I no longer felt accepted; I was an outcast feeling like no one wanted me.
I no longer felt talented; I hid and didn't do the things I loved anymore.
I no longer felt loved; I felt worthless and a burden to others.
I no longer felt happy; I was deemed clinically depressed, and felt no goodness.

"Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest... It affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and sometimes you may feel as if life isn't worth living" (Mayo Clinic).

I understood what depression was. I grew up with a depressed father. I studied and graduated with a degree in Psychology. I wanted to be a therapist. But I was no where near ready to be depressed myself. I wasn't ready for the thoughts and lack of feeling that was about to become my day-to-day life.

I suffered, cried, screamed, stayed in bed till 2pm, embraced seclusion, cursed God, broke friendships, lacked motivation, brought pain upon myself, and didn't care if I lived or died. Once a strong extroverted happy-go-lucky girl, I now felt like a weak introverted depressed woman.

Three and a half years later, many different therapists, and prescriptions of various anti-depressants, I can't say I've felt much change. I still feel like I'm in a black abyss. I still lack motivation to do anything. I still don't understand why I have to go through this. But I know that I must. I have walked through fire and am coming out stronger. Maybe not right now, but I know that I will, in a long while most likely, but it will come.

Being married, I recognize that my depression is no longer my own. In order to be happy in my marriage, I need to let my husband in. I need to share my thoughts, feelings, worries, fears, and darkness with him. This has been scary. It's caused a lot stress and anger in our marriage due to lack of communication. Even still, it's necessary and I'm seeing why; he loves me, and because he loves me, he wants to know my thoughts/feelings.

I often think it's pointless to discuss such things with my husband, or any one for that matter, because they just don't get it. They don't understand. They haven't experienced it. I feel like if I let others know, they would just tell me to "suck it up and change your thoughts". But, news flash! It's really not that easy. Heck, it's not easy at all. It's like telling someone who is paralyzed to get up and walk. Can they? No, definitely not. It's the same with depression. You can't just tell us to stop being depressed and to be happy instead. Because believe me, I've tried. So instead, I’ve put on the facade that everything is okay.   

In spite of all this, the only way we (and when I say "we", I mean the community of individuals with depression) can help others understand is if we try to help them to understand. This means opening up. This means not hiding behind our depression. This means not being afraid to let others know. This means seeing a therapist, and doing so not in secret. This means getting the help that is needed. This means discussing our feelings with someone safe. It's the only way we can help others understand and it's the only way we can get the help that we need.

I've gained so much strength throughout the years as I've shared my experiences with like-minded individuals that may be struggling as well. I've also gained insight from non-depressed folk. I guess what I'm trying to get at is that strength comes from sharing. So don't be afraid. The depression may never leave, but it will become manageable.

I know that this is my weight to carry throughout my life, and I know that the Lord would never give me anything that I couldn't overcome. So I am still pushing. I am still holding strong. I am resilient. And I will not give in. And neither should you.