I Need Thee Every Hour

Soo…. Today is Sunday, and I’m just starting this “newsletter”. My Mama texted me and asked if I’ve done it for this week, and obviously, I said no… So here I am, writing and trying to recall my past week’s experiences. I’ve decided not to do what I did last year when I was at school—where I wrote about each day. But rather, this time around, I’m going to write as I did while on my mission, and just do an overview of the week. Sound good? Sounds good.

Well, I arrived in Hawaii last week and had a few days with my daddy in town. It was nice to have him come with me and have his help moving in. I was originally supposed to have five girls total in my house (and only one bathroom). However, two of the girls bailed, so now there are only three of us, and we all have a private room (except I’m the only one paying for a private room….). They’re great. Victoria is from England and an English major, and Lauren is from San Diego and is an Art major.

This past week has been pretty much miserable. Since October, up until I came back to Hawaii, I’ve been dating Chris. We decided that since I’m here, and he’s back home in Washington, and since he’s soon leaving on a mission, that we will not be doing long distance. So, I’ve been a terrible wreck all lonesome-like this whole week trying to accept that it’s over. One thing that is nice though is that I have really difficult classes this term, so I’m constantly in the library. That makes it so I don’t have to force myself to be social, but rather I can be by myself and get my studying done. I have been doing better, though! I haven’t been crying every day (just every night… ha ha!) and I’ve actually been having a smile on my face. I’m starting to accept it, but that doesn’t, by any means, mean that I am content with just being friends. It’s still really difficult and painful, but I know I can make it through. Plus, if for whatever reason it doesn’t work out for me and Chris in the end, because I have faith in the Lord, I know He has something better prepared for me.

“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6

On top of the break-up, it’s also really weird and uncomfortable being back. There are a lot of people here that are expecting to be on a mission and say to me, “Wait… you’re not supposed to be here”, or “I thought you were on a mission”, or anything along those terms. It’s awful because then I have to explain to them the story that I’ve told about fifty-million times now. One plus is that this semester, my hair is much darker (instead of blonde, as it was last year), and I’m not wearing my glasses. Which means, I can disguise myself, especially when people aren’t expecting to see me; it’s easy to hide myself.

So, not only is it hard coping with no longer having Chris in my life, and being back to school and having to answer those questions all over again, but my classes this year are going to be incredibly rough. Because I’m on my last two semesters, I’m in the difficult round of Senior level Psychology courses, which means death. Come February and March, I will pretty much be dying. So if y’all think I fell off the face of the earth, I probably did. This week, I’ve already seen how the remainder of my semester will be going… I’ve been spending every spare moment in the library studying, reading, and writing summaries. It is going to be GREAT!

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28

I’ve been meeting with my Psych professor, and so far, so good for going to India this Summer. If it doesn’t work out to go with the Psych group, or with an ASL group, then my professor will arrange for just me to go as an internship through Career Services. I am so excited, and that is one of the “good news” that I’ve received thus far.

ALSO! I am taking a Doctrine and Covenants course, and I am LOVING it. It is so great. We have to read the Student Manual along with the D&C, and it’s amazing. I love having to read D&C each day, because it’s truly modern revelation for us TODAY, and for everyone. It’s incredible. Because I’ve had a lot of spare time (when I’m taking breaks from my constant studying), I’ve had ample time to read my scriptures. I love it. I am able to take time each day to read out of the Book of Mormon. Also, because I’ve been struggling so bad, I’ve been able to grow so much closer to my Savior as I take advantage of His Atonement. I am so grateful for the healing power of the Atonement, and for the love my Savior has for me. I know I wouldn’t be able to get through each day with a smile on my face if it wasn’t for my Savior, Jesus Christ. I am so grateful for Him and for the chance I have to turn to Him and have my burdens lifted from me.

“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” John 14: 27

Lately, I’ve had my mission on my mind, running circles all day, every day. I’m trying to figure out what the Lord wants for me. I thought I knew, and then I didn’t, and then I thought I knew, and now I don’t again. It’s just weird because I don’t feel like BYU–Hawaii is where I’m supposed to be. It doesn’t feel the same and I don’t feel that desire to be here, or the drive to do anything. The only thing holding me here is the fact that I have TWO semesters left (yes, TWO SEMESTERS), and I will definitely be getting my B.A. in Psychology, so I’m not going to drop school. But I feel like there’s something more. There’s something else that the Lord wants for me. Whether it’s going back on my mission, getting married, or going off to Grad School as soon as I graduate, I don’t know. All I know is that once I get healed, I am definitely going back on a mission so that I can serve and fully give my heart to the Lord once again. I loved every second of my mission, and I wish to go back. I know that if that is what the Lord has planned for me, then He will heal me. I have no doubt about that. But in the meantime, I will do my best to enjoy living in Hawaii! 

Sorry there wasn’t anything all too interesting that happened this week…. My life is pretty much going to be consisting of studying and working and sleeping. Love you all!