Where Am I Now?

(Be sure to read all the way through)

There are moments where I feel like I’m doing better. However, those moments are so very fleeting, that I never fully embrace it. I take a step forward, and then it always seems that I take three steps back.
During these times, I’m reminded of a song I sang in Choir a few years back. It reads,

“Lost in the dark, frightened and cold. Captured by fear, bound by despair; crying for One to hear my prayer. Search me and find me, lost and alone. Search me and find me, carry me safely home.”

Those are my feelings. I feel so frightened, cold, lost, and alone. The difference between me and the hope that is found in this song?  I don’t feel like I am being carried and I definitely don’t feel safe.

I have no desire to do or be anything. I don’t want to wake up in the morning. I don’t want to go to work. I don’t want to teach. I don’t want to be an encourager for my students. I don’t want to go to class for my Masters. I don’t want to go home, and then be a terrible wife. I don’t want to be married. I don’t want to go to church. I don’t want to pray. I don’t want do anything, even the things I love. And I don’t want to try anymore. I don’t want to be here. I’m just done, and am sooo tired.

I don’t feel loved or wanted. I don’t feel like I’m making a difference. I don’t feel like I mean anything to anyone. I don’t feel happiness, nor even simple contentment.

So you may ask, why haven’t I just given up entirely? Truth be told? I’m terrified of and uncomfortable with guns. So that’s not an option, and it’s really the only feasible option. Trust me, I’ve researched. Which I honestly and truly hate to admit. I HATE that I feel this way. And I hate that I can’t just tell myself to be better, to do better. 

I wrote the above just over 18mts ago. I never posted it because I was afraid. I was afraid of letting out my raw feelings and for people to think that I’m overreacting and/or fabricating my feelings. But the truth is, I wasn’t. Those were, and sometimes still are, honest to goodness my real thoughts and feelings. However, there’s a difference between the Jessica from 18mts ago and the Jessica writing this now...

Back in March 2020, I began a new form of treatment for patients with depression and anxiety that have been resistant to traditional methods. This treatment involves being injected with ketamine (I did four different methods—IV, nasal spray, gummy, and an injection).  

Going into this treatment, I was incredibly skeptical. I didn’t want to have high hopes and then be let down when it didn’t work out. When I started the series of infusions, it was also when quarantine hit. I was out of work and not living with the stressors of my day to day life. So when I noticed that life was a little better, I chalked it up to “the new normal”. But in reality, it wasn’t because stressors went down. I was actually experiencing a new normal mentally and was doing better. 

Ketamine became expensive and it wasn’t sustainable long term (I had to go in weekly or biweekly and be in the office monitored for 2hrs). I also wasn’t the biggest fan of being under a hallucinogen. This is due to one main reason: my fear of lack of control. My doctor diagnosed me with OCPD (Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder, basically OCD related to personality, perfectionism, and control). Anyways, the ketamine sometimes gave me anxiety in the midst of it. It also is a lifelong treatment, meaning I’d need boosters every now and then. 

Fast forward to March 2021. I switched from Ketamine to TMS (trans-cranial magnetic stimulation). Think of this like an MRI scan on your brain, but instead of just taking pictures, it stimulates the nerves that are associated with depression. I thought, why not? Let’s try it out. So, I did. This consisted of me going in office EVERY DAY for SIX weeks for a 30min session.  I had no idea if TMS would work on me. I went into it thinking it wouldn’t work but might as well know for sure. 

I did it. Six weeks pass. I started seeing effects about three weeks in. My life wasn’t in the dark. I felt lighter. I could FEEL. I could LIVE. There still was a cloud over me, but instead of it being black and dreary, it was just gray. To this day, my life is still changed. Yes, I still struggle with depression. Yes, I contemplate if my life is worth living. Yes, I still have anxiety. Yes, I still have OCPD. Yes, I have an eating disorder. But you know what? I’m living and I’m feeling. That’s more than I could say 18mts ago. And so, my friends, there is hope. Though it’s hard to see and sometimes very small, there is hope. But I promise you that peace will find you, in some way. There are options. Battles that you have been fighting for years, just as I have, can become less daunting. And just as was promised in the song at the beginning, you will be carried safely home. 

I guess I’m writing this to say two things. 1) I struggled, and I still do. Every. Single. Day. I understand your pain, hurt, anger, sadness, emptiness, and depression. I am here for you, and I am here with you. And 2) Talk to your doctor about your options. There is hope. There are methods and treatments that you may have not even thought about. Maybe even mention ketamine and/or TMS. It has been a legitimate game changer. I hope and pray that you will find your game changer.

That’s all. Sending love,

Jess <3