Have I Done Any Good?

(Sister Missionaries do love 
Christmas and Santa!)

Apparently as Sister Missionaries, we just become part of the family here in the South. Dinner conversations consist of openly discussing bowel movements, monthly cycles, financial problems, chopping heads off bunnies, second marriage honeymoons, womanly health issues, scalping a dog's head, martial struggles, where milking cows/goats/and other animals originated from, and stretch marks, just to name a few. I think my OWN family dinner conversations definitely prepared me in a lot of ways to be here. Welcome to Arkansas! Oh! And literally every family here has a dog and a truck. #OnlyInAR

This week has been a slightly slow one. We were able to go out caroling a couple of times. When we were out, we stopped at one house, and they invited us in for coffee.... Awkward two seconds where we couldn't breathe and didn't know what to say... THEN! They offered hot chocolate. We breathed again. Hahah The group was a Book Club meeting from some Baptist church. They were nice and sweet, asking us questions. And then, BAM! The claws came out! Turns out, one of the people there was the pastor from their church... No big deal. Except it was! He was trying to tongue tie us and trip us with our words. Basically saying that what we believed was blasphemy. Luckily, we had the Elders with us, too. Elder Phillips (DL) and I were switching off between answering all of his questions, as well as asking Pastor Rob questions. Pastor Rob was incredibly confrontational and it was hard to maintain the Spirit, but we did well and kept it as a Spirit-filled Bible Bash. It was great! I've definitely missed those lively conversations! Haven't been involved in one of them in over a year!

We were able to go back over to the house a few days later and visit with the lady and her husband that actually live there. It definitely felt like a date. We were getting mixed signals the whole time. They were hot and cold: not interested, and then kinda interested saying yes, let's hang out, but then saying only when it's convenient, and then invited us back. It was quite like my dating life. However, we were able to leave them with a Book of Mormon and she seemed incredibly interested in reading it. Hopefully she'll contact us to want to meet, after reading some.

(Swag with a giraffe.
Can't get cooler than that.)

We decided to spend the day at the church before our Ward Christmas Party. However, we did not think about the fact that we didn't have a key (an no car). So after being dropped off, we told our ride that the Elders can let us in, to not to worry because they will be here soon. They left. We quickly called the Elders asking to let us in, they just didn't know when they could. So yup, we were stranded outside the church in the middle of nowhere in our PJs. The closest things around us are a lingerie store across the highway and then about 5 liquor stores up the street. God answered our awkward pleading prayers within 10 minutes as the 2nd Counselor of the Bishopric arrived with food for the party. Hallelujah! We get to go inside! Moral of the story: when you have to resort to plan Z almost every day you sometimes can lose your mind and forget the big deets, BUT the Lord will always provide a way for his young missionaries!

Not too many exciting things have happened this week. Sister Eckley and I have lasted through the transfer though! We shall remain in Cabot for another 6 weeks (or more, depending on the next transfer changes). Hallelujah! However, we lost one of our Elders. Elder Butler (the one that lives in Enumclaw) will be transferred, so now we will only have two Elders with us. Oh! Also, the group of us got asked to sing in Church on Sunday as part of the Christmas Program. That should be alright. At least we didn't lose our musical Elder (Elder Phillips... He actually went to school for music composition or something like that). Bummed to see Elder Butler go, but it's been a fun ride! There are a lot of changes this transfer, including a new main Office Elder, a new Sister Training Leader, a new Zone Leader, and a new Assistant to the President. It'll be interesting to see all the differences.

That's all for now! Enjoy y'alls week! (:

Sister Jessica Ann Smith

(Our tree isn't so empty 
anymore.... Thanks Mama! (:)

Does The Journey Seem Long?

I love the Christmas season, so, so, so much!!! One night, after we were dropped unexpectedly by one of our investigators, we blasted our Christmas music in our apartment and had a marvelous dance party. It definitely got us cheered up, and incredibly exhausted. But it was well needed, for sure.

We also have started CAROLING!!! Of which, I absolutely love! I LOVE singing, and I love Christmas, and I love remembering my Savior. And so, Sister Eckley and I wrapped some copies of the Book of Mormon in some lovely Christmas/snowflake wrapping paper, tied a ribbon around it, and stuck a "A Savior is Born" pass along card on the outside. The Elders, Sister Eckley, and I then went out caroling. We knocked on doors and sang (naturally..) and then said something along the lines of, "We hope you have a Merry Christmas. Christmas is all about our Savior, Jesus Christ. And we have this gift for you. It is a book that is all about Christ and helps you to grow closer to Him." We invited them also to go to Christmas.Mormon.org (which you should all check out). It was such a great time to be able to remind people of what the true meaning of Christmas is! Also, I love it here in the south because cashiers at stores and everywhere else all say "Merry Christmas". It's just simply beautiful. I love this time of the year. It makes it a lot easier to share our message about the Savior, as well.

We met a spectacular family in our ward and had dinner with them the other night. Oh, how we loved being in their home. The Spirit was so strong and it was simply filled with love. We felt loved. The family asked about us, wanting to know all about our lives. For the first time, I actually willingly shared my entire story pertaining to my mission. I'm not too sure how many people know everything that's gone on. But it was a grand time and Sister Eckley and I truly did not want to leave! We hinted (well, my hints aren't much of hints, I basically boldly said it...) that we didn't have dinner for Christmas Eve yet, and they offered to have us over! Sister Eckley and I are way excited because we just both felt so much at home being there. It definitely made me miss my family, however, at least I get a home away from home, for a time.

This week went by super quick, but also incredibly slowly! I can't believe how little that we did this week! We reported our key indicator numbers yesterday, and they were quite unimpressive. The work here is just moving suuuuper slowly. We are doing all we can, but it's been difficult, for sure!

I MET AN ELDER THAT GOT INJURED, WAS SENT HOME, HOME FOR A TIME, AND RETURNED TO THE MISSION! Holy! Hallelujah! It was no coincidence that we met. He actually returned to the mission the same day that I left the mission (the first time around, back in Sept 2014). We were able to talk quite a bit after Zone Meeting, as well as texting the next day. He helped me A LOT. It was reeeeally great to see someone that experienced the same things as me and has gotten through it. I'm still at the beginning, and sometimes it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was very helpful to hear words of encouragement from someone who has been where I am at currently. He was truly able to empathize and it made me no longer feel so alone. People have tried to uplift me, strengthen me, help me, and tell me that everything will be okay, but often, those feel like empty words because they don't really understand what it feels like. The people trying to encourage me don't know what I've truly gone through. However, to hear someone else say that he felt the same things I felt and am feeling? That was exactly what I needed. He definitely provided me with strength to endure. He reminded me to look upwards with a smile and to rely on my Savior to give me the courage, strength, and comfort that I need. At times I may feel alone, discouraged, disappointed, angry, and frustrated. Those are all common feelings. However, as I remember that my Savior, my Redeemer is there to heal me, I can withstand all that may come my way!

"...Will ye not return unto me, and repent of your sins, and be converted, that I may heal you? Yea, verily I say unto you, if you will come unto to ye shall have eternal life. Behold, mine arm of mercy is extended towards you, and whosever will come, him will I receive; and blessed are those who come unto me." 3 Nephi 9:13-14

Sister Jessica Ann Smith

(We had Zone Meeting this last week with the Searcy Zone!)

(I was having a rough day and so I became a unicorn (:)

Prayer of Thanksgiving

(I have the most wonderfulest companion.
We are all bundled up for the cold weather!)

Man! This week has been a doozy! Thanksgiving was great! Thank you family for all your emails of love and holiday wishes! We had two meals on Thursday (lunch and dinner) and then a third Thanksgiving meal on Friday. I guess you could say that Sister Eckley and I are pretty stuffed full. On Thursday, we had lunch at about 2:30pm and then our dinner was at 5:30pm. We were feeling very groggy and nauseated after those meals, for sure!

Sister Eckley and I have been getting excited... Christmas is in less than one month!! Too stoked. A couple exciting things that happened this week. One, Sis Eckley drove us into a ditch (well, a culvert, that's what the call it in the south). It was great. Also, I ran straight into a cement pole. That was fun. No big deal. Both of us have been sickly this week, still going out and getting things done, but we had the Elders come over last night to give us a Blessing. That was much needed.

(The Elders in our District are super great, too!)
Elder Phillips (District Leader), Elder Butler (from Enumclaw, WA),
and Elder Lambson (been out 4 weeks)

A lot of the work here in Cabot has to do with reactivation. There aren't too many people that we can find via door knocking. It hasn't proven too successful. Which means, we stick with what the elders have been doing, which is going down the ward member list. We are trying to meet as many people that we don't know and invite them back to church. Some are definitely not interested, but others have invited us back.

Relating to that... I have a story!!! So, this man, let's call him John. He's a less active. He was planning on going on a mission, saved up the money, but then gave the money to his brothers and they went on missions. Therefore, John never went. Anyways, years have passed and he's now in his second marriage. His wife, Jane, is not a member. We met him the first week and invited him back to church. The spirit was so strong and he had a desire to return, but felt as though his wife was against it and didn't want to upset her. He told us to come back so we could meet with the family on another day, however, she wasn't feeling well. So we never went back. Now, fast forward a week... Our Bishop went and visited with him. Long story short, John AND Jane decided to come to church Sunday (yesterday) and Jane agreed to having missionaries over, i.e. us!!! She said that she went a time or two but she felt like the members made fun of her dress or something like that and she quit going. She has loads of questions and we hope we can answer them! We have set up to meet with her later this week! I am so excited for their family!

I'm, for the most part, getting back into the swing of things. With it being Thanksgiving and all, I've had time to reflect on what I am most truly grateful for. A member actually asked me at one of our meals and I got super teary-eyed (thanks, mama!). I am grateful for the love of my Heavenly Father. I know that it's because of His love that I am able to be back here in Arkansas. I know that He loves me, and because of that, He has provided a way for me to do what I love, which is serving Him. There are so many things I would not be doing at this time if it wasn't for His continual arm of love which is stretched out towards me. He's heard my prayers, cries, and desires, and because He loves me so deeply, He has allowed me to be where I am. To which, I am so very grateful. Every time I teach, I am so full of my Savior's love and I feel so much joy and peace. I know that I am supposed to be here and I know that the Lord truly does love His children and is only but a "phone call away". He doesn't pull away from us; we are the ones that move further away from Him. He is waiting to bless us. Seek Him. Find Him. Learn of Him. Follow Him. And pray to Him. He's waiting.

Much love,
Sister Jessica Ann Smith

Master, The Tempest Is Raging

(Sister Eckley (my actual companion), and Sister Nelson. 
I've been blessed to have three moms (Sister Carroll and these two).
It's been such a joy working with them both!)

Well, I'm here back in Arkansas. Honestly, I still cannot believe it. Sometimes it feels like a dream and I'm gonna wake up back in Hawaii. It's funny how Arkansas is like a dream and Hawaii was the real life... Kinda strange..

I have two AMAZING companions, Sisters Eckley and Nelson.  Sister Eckley is from California, most recently.  Her parents live in Olympia, Washington. Her Dad was in the Department of  Defense or something and they've lived pretty much everywhere. She is 24 and graduated from college. She doesn't live at home. She lives on her own in California, Bay Area. She's been out nearly 6 months. Sister Nelson is from American Fork, Utah and has been out for almost a year.

I have already learned so much from both of them. The three of us get along so well and it has been great. I was incredibly worried coming back, thinking that no one was gonna be able to measure up to Sister Carroll, however, they are great in their own way and I love it. And I'm lucky... I get THREE moms, when most people only get one. Some things are done differently, which I am trying to get used to. However, I've realized that that's okay. I feel like a completely different person than I did when I was here a year ago. Oh wait, maybe that's cuz I am. I have changed and so all of this feels different. But different in a very good and familiar way.

One of my first impressions of Sister Eckley is this.... She wears giraffe footie pajamas. And, in the morning, she was rolling out of bed, immediately, and not very gracefully. Actually, it was more of a fall. Yes, it was of her falling out of the bed. She's really got it all together. Hahah. That was definitely a great thing to wake up to. It was really quite hilarious.

Currently, I am in Cabot. It is COMPLETELY different from a Little Rock. Suuuuper country, but not redneck. It's way rural. I love it. We walk out the car and smell cows and horses and the like. It's great. However, Cabot doesn't have too many Black people. I haven't really met any yet. It's kinda odd. Little Rock was basically half Black. I love it here though. Southern accent is thick in some people.

The ward is awesome. We have a great Ward Mission Leader, and ward missionaries. The people are so excited to have sister missionaries back. It's great. Hopefully we don't disappoint!

The elders in our ward are great, too. It's our District Leader and his two companions. They've been super helpful and supportive. We are so blessed with awesome elders.

On Tuesday (my second day back in Arkansas), we spent pretty much the entire day inside. Why you may ask? Because there was a tornado watch and a flash flood warning. That was just grand. No big deal, right? We had District Meeting and as soon as it finished, we got a text to stay inside. We stayed at the church for FIVE HOURS. And with NO lunch. It was miserable. We were all getting cabin fever. However, we were productive in our waiting around time. We were able to meet with the Elders in our ward and learn all the ins and outs. Then, we spent the remainder of the day back at the house (once we finally had dinner) and did some 12 week training, which was good, and kinda not. Now, we have iPads, which I'm not a total fan of. It's gonna take a lot to get used to having them.

We have finally got started on doing a bit of missionary work. We've spent loads of time in the office and planning/studying the area. We've seriously been getting so antsy being stuck inside all day. It takes a lot of work to open up an area. I am seeing that now. It's been tough. But it is all worth it. The hours and hours of studying the area, members, less actives, and everything else as been paying off. We went to see some less actives and some referrals and were able to set up return appointments with many of them, as well as with some others that we meant via street contacting.

As rough and stressful it's been to not be able to do real missionary work and just staying in the house half the day studying, I know that I am supposed to be here in Cabot with Sister Nelson and Eckley. They both are helping me progress and we are all helping and teaching each other. It's incredible. I know that I am back out here and serving in Cabot for a reason. And I am going to figure that reason out! I feel so very blessed to be able to have this second chance to serve the Lord and show my willingness to follow Him. It's been a rough journey, and it's not over, but I am grateful for that path that I've traveled.

I've been off to a rough start, which I definitely expected. However, I know that as I keep pressing on, I will understand my purpose more fully. It has definitely been an emotionally and spiritually exhausting roller coaster.

I met with President Wakolo (my Mission President) upon my request tonight (Sunday). He came over and I had an interview with him simply disclosing what I've been feeling. He gave me a blessing, which was incredible. He helped, a ton. I've just been feeling this darkness covering over me, and haven't been a big fan of it. I am continually doing all that I can, with the Lord's help to be strengthened. But it's been a tiresome and trial-filled first week.

However, I know that I am supposed to be here I'm Cabot. I love it and I love being back on my mission. I know that as I continue to press forward, all will work out.

Sister Jessica Ann Smith

(My Mission President and his wife. President Wakolo was so happy
that I was returning, as was I. I'm so happy that I will have the same
Mission President throughout my whole mission, and the same one that I
originally came out to!)

Name Tag in Place and Ready to Go!

For those of you that missed Jessica's Farewell talk on Sunday, here are some notes from her Sacrament Meeting Talk.  Her topic was "Commandments", but she called it "My Happy Talk", because keeping the commandments makes her HAPPY (:

We are given commandments because we are loved and he wants to protect us.

John 14:15   If ye love me, keep my commandments.

In turn, we show love by following.

Preach My Gospel - Commandments are instructions from a loving Father in Heaven to help us have happy lives.

Obedience brings peace in this life and eternal life in the world to come.
We are expected to obey so we can be blessed.
Blessings come as we obey.

Doctrine & Covenants 130:20-21

20     There is a law, irrevocably decreed in heaven before the foundations of this world, upon which all blessings are predicated --

21     And when we obtain any blessings from God, it is by obedience to that law upon which it is predicated

Analogy of commandments protecting.
Mormons CAN'T do this and this, but really it's so we CAN do this and this.

Some of the commandments:
Pray Often
Study the Scriptures
Keep the Sabbath Day Holy
Baptism
Follow the Prophet
Keep the 10 Commandments
Live the Law of Chastity
Obey the Word of Wisdom
Pay Tithing / Fast Offerings
Obey and Honor the Law

(Jessica with Parents & Grandparents)

Sunday night from 4-6 I had an Open House to say my last goodbyes to friends and family.  I am so grateful for those who came.  It meant a lot to me to have you there!

(Name Tag in Place)

(Sister Jessica Smith & President Darold Stroud)

At 7:30 Sunday night, I met with President Darold Stroud (my Stake President) and was again set apart as a Missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  I had tears in my eyes and was so glad to hear that again!  I put my Missionary name tag on to let everyone know I am a Missionary.

My bags are packed and I'm ready to go.  Monday morning came EARLY!  My flight to Little Rock, Arkansas was at 5:27 AM.  I am on my way, heading back to the Arkansas Little Rock Mission until February/March 2017.

A Child's Prayer

It is October 2015. One full year ago, I returned home from Arkansas and was released as a full-time missionary. The path that I've been on this past year has been a rough one. I have been tossed and thrown around. My life was a roller coaster. But one thing that has remained constant is my faith in Jesus Christ, and that will never change.

When I arrived home, I was still a missionary, living the missionary life, for a whole month before they finally released me. They didn't know what to do with me. The plan was to go back to my mission after a transfer, assuming that my back would be healed. So much for that.

Life went on. Once released, I started dating and I met a really wonderful guy, whom I love dearly. I left for school that following semester and said goodbye to him and started Winter 2015 back at BYU Hawaii. That semester was the worst yet. I didn't want to be at school. I hid myself. My hair was darker, I no longer had glasses, and I wore hats so that I could fly under the radar. Seeing my old friends was difficult, because they all expected me to be on my mission. Heck, I expected me to be on my mission. 

I hated myself and I hated school. I fell into horrible depression and didn't want to do anything. I was struggling every day and wanted to be back at home. I wanted to be with my family and my friends back in Washington. 

The semester finally finished and I was able to go home. I learned that I was unable to return on my mission because I wasn't able to bike 8 miles and walk 6 miles a day. That was hard, to say the least. All my desires were crushed right in front of me. But hey, life still continues.

I did an internship over the summer and I was surrounded by solid friends. I attended my YSA Ward and I was dating.  Remember that guy I dated upon coming home? Yea, he left for his mission in July. That was hard. I still loved him. But I was so, so, so proud of him. Once he left, it was time for me to go back to school. 

It was my final semester at BYU Hawaii. Which means... I graduate. Meaning... I need to figure out my life. I had no idea what to do after graduation, and it was incredibly stressful. I still had the desire to go back on my mission. I felt that the Lord may not have cared about my desire, or else I would've been able to go. Boy, was I wrong! 

One day, I was at the Laie Temple. A feeling came over me saying. "Go back on your mission. Do it, and I will provide a way for it to all work out." I couldn't believe it! The Lord heard my cries, my prayers, and my ache. He never left me. And now, He will provide a way so that I could serve again.

Immediately, I got started. I called my Bishop who contacted my Stake President who then contacted my Stake President back home as well as the Missionary Department. After loads of stress and forms that I had to do and hoops I needed to jump through, my Stake President had all that was necessary to send off to the Missionary Department for approval. We assumed that I would be getting a reassignment mission to an area that offered sisters bikes always.

Within a week, I received an email from my Stake President:

"Aloha Sister Jessica Smith, I just received a call from the Missionary Department. You have been approved to return to the Little Rock Arkansas Mission on November 16th. You will not be assigned to any bike areas." 

Well. There it is. There is my call. I will be going back to Arkansas. I can hardly believe it. And how soon it is going to be here! I graduate on November 2nd, and then will be leaving early on November 16th, only two weeks after graduation. Holy smokes.

My experience throughout all this has really been incredible. I am so grateful for all that I've had to go through. If anything, this past year has simply reaffirmed to me my desire to serve. I am now more stoked, more devoted, more committed, more consecrated, and more willing to serve with all of my heart, might, mind, and strength. It has been a trying year, but I know that it is exactly what I needed. I only hope that I will be able to be an instrument in the Lord's hands.

When Faith Endures

This past weekend, I was blessed with the opportunity to attend the 40 year reunion of the Arkansas Little Rock Mission. There are so many different emotions and thoughts that I had to face over the course of the reunion, and not all were pleasant.

First off, I just wanna say that it's a good thing that I'm writing this after the fact instead of during, otherwise there would be no "light at the end of the tunnel" attitude.

I had an incredible time in Arkansas, I really did. However, there were moments when it was incredibly awful, as well. It just felt so right being back there and I missed being a missionary so, so, so much. I just wanted to go back. I wanted to do more and I wanted to serve more.

"If ye have desires to serve God ye are called to the work." D&C 4:3

I had that desire, and I still do. So why am I unable to be "called to serve" on a full time mission? I felt as though I was being punished because I didn't serve fully enough. I felt that I was unworthy of that blessing because I was a disappointment. I felt discouraged and I felt worthless. At the time, I knew these feelings came from the adversary, but I couldn't shake the thought that they were true, so whether it was the devil or not, it didn't matter. I still felt inside that I was the problem.

I kept telling myself that if I had "sucked it up more" then I would still be serving (in spite of everything that the Savior went through, He never gave up, so why wasn't I able to endure through mere back pain when He suffered through so much more?). If I was "stronger" then I could still be on the mission. If I had prayed more, then I would be able to face my tribulation and not have it consume me. After all, the Lord doesn't give us anything that we can't handle. Therefore, I felt weak. I felt as though I disappointed my Lord when I didn't conquer that trial. I continued to think, "This was my trial for my mission...my back. All I had to do was overcome that. All I had to do was work past the pain of my back and serve. This was the one thing that the Lord asked me to fight through to serve and I failed."

It just felt so right serving and I loved doing it. All I wanted was to go back to Arkansas upon graduation and return to being a servant as a full time missionary. And if I have to suffer through severe back pain everyday to do it, I would. All I would have to do is tell my doctor that I can, that I'm able to endure through the pain, and I could go back. It would be that easy. I could simply say that I'm fine and could return. I felt confused, depressed, anxious, and frustrated. I felt abandoned. I felt like my desires didn't matter, even though they were good ones. I felt as though God didn't care. I felt weak, alone, and afraid. And I started doubting God's plan for me. And I HATED feeling that way, and that's an understatement. I despised those thoughts. And in turn, I hated myself for doubting God.

Being there was hard because I should've BEEN there. Not visiting at that time, but still there on my mission. I should've been serving. I should've been in the mission choir with my MTC district. I could've been training just as all my district was. I should've been wearing my name tag and declaring the truth of the gospel with my companion everyday.

Now, here is the bright side of all of this. I was reminded by a dear friend, as well as by my Mission President, and a member in the ward that I served in that I am still a missionary. I served fully. I gave it my all. I served faithfully and I served willingly. And though I don't know what the Lord has planned for me, I do know that He does have something planned, because He loves me and He is greater than I am.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9  

"I know that He loveth His children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things." 1 Nephi 11:17

I do not know many things, but I do know that I am loved. I know that He has a plan for me. He knows my desires and He knows my heart. The Lord grants unto us our desires, but always in accordance with His will. He already grants unto me the ability to preach His gospel, so why desire more than He already gives? All I have to do is access what He already grants me and then I can be a true instrument in His hands.

He has prepared something far better for me than I can create for myself. All I have to do is let Him. All I have to do is surrender my will to Him and trust in Him. Once I do that, I allow my pain to be taken up. Once I do that, I allow Him to change me. Once I do that, I am giving Him the power to bring me full happiness and complete joy.

"Trust in Him. Trust Him who knows all things. Trust Him who has all power. Trust Him whose love for you is perfect. Trust Him, who alone suffered, paid, and atoned for your sins, and for your weaknesses as well. Trust Him that He will make of you, immeasurably more, than what you will ever, ever, in all eternity, make of yourself. He will create of you a masterpiece. You will create of you only a smudge. You will create an ordinary [woman]. He will create a God." The Fourth Missionary

A little over nine months ago, I was released as a full time missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Even though the name badge on my lapel may be removed, it has not been removed from my heart; it will forever be embedded in me to be a representative of Jesus Christ at all times, in all things, and in all places.